“I have found that mindfulness, self-acceptance and meditation have given my daughter and I the strength we needed to get through the darkest of days and emerge blinking into this new life we have found ourselves in.” -Liane Richardson
It wasn’t until my recent experience with the death of my late partner, that I really realized the true darkness and pervasiveness of grief. It was if a light had been extinguished, the raw fear of realising that your life, complete with all the hopes and dreams you had together, was over. The support that I had so often taken for granted, gone in the blink of an eye. It has been fifteen months since his death, and I marvel at how resilient our daughter and I have been, faced with the lack of his physical presence in our life. It’s no time at all really, not in the grand scheme of things, but it sometimes feels that he has been gone forever. We have overcome all the major milestones for the first time and the rawness of our loss is fading.
There isn’t a one size fits all aspect to grief. In fact, it is quite a selfish emotion, we grieve for the loss of something or someone in our life, be it a person, a pet or a lifestyle. As such it is something that can overwhelm and, if we let it, consume us. That said, it is perfectly normal to grieve, and there isn’t a time limit, however, don’t let it be the sole focus of your life. Life comes at us pretty fast nowadays and change is something the majority of people shy away from. No-one chooses to wallow in grief, it really isn’t healthy, BUT it is an essential part of the process of momentous change after a loss.
I did a lot of research on grief and the grieving process after his death, especially trying to find a way to help our daughter live with her loss. Children deal with loss completely differently to us adults, my daughter needed to be with friends, to do normal things, not be whispered around or treated differently. Which was just as well because I nearly fell apart! It is true that one really finds out who your real friends are when the chips are down, and I was blessed to be surrounded by many people who softened the blow of his passing.
There is a general consensus amongst psychologists that there are stages to the grieving process:
- Denial. We can’t or won’t accept the loss and what it means for our future.
- Anger. With them for dying. With others for not saving them. With ourselves or a higher power.
- Bargaining. “Don’t let them die, please God, if you let them live I’ll do X.” Or in the event of their death ”if I do this God, will you bring them back to me?”
- Depression. This is the one that, if you allow it to take hold, will take you down with it. You dwell on the unfairness of it all, the lack of their presence in your life and the “what ifs” and “if only’s”. To be depressed as a result of the situation is a normal reaction to a loss and it is a necessary emotion to be able to heal and move on. To allow the depression to take hold of you is another thing altogether.
- Acceptance. The acceptance of your new reality.
There is no defined way that we will experience these emotions, indeed some of us won’t face all of them, although I did, to a lesser or greater degree. Ultimately the final stage is the one that will allow us to move forward in our new altered reality, because, like it or not, we can’t turn back the clock.
I have found that mindfulness, self-acceptance and meditation have given my daughter and I the strength we needed to get through the darkest of days and emerge blinking into this new life we have found ourselves in. He would be so proud of us and how well we have coped with his passing.
So we’ll keep on keeping on knowing that as each day passes the pain will slowly get easier to bear. I liked a quote I once saw on Pinterest, it said; Grief is like a stormy sea, the waves crash over you incessantly, gradually the storm, and the waves will subside and where once there were huge engulfing waves, there remain just tiny ripples and you can edge forward into your altered future.
With love and light,
Liane Richardson is a mother to four amazing children and a perpetual optimist bobbing around in the Sea Of Life. Her mission in life is to give others a helping hand or a shoulder to cry on. She is a strong believer in laughter being the best medicine (and chocolate!). What we think, we attract, so stay positive. Receive more goodness from Liane on her website: Liane Richardson
“Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t-you’re right.” -Henry Ford
When I started my journey to becoming financially fit, just a little over a decade ago, I had no idea where I was headed. I knew I needed to make some serious changes in my relationship with money because I was nowhere close to where I wanted to be, where I dreamed of being all my life. I knew I had the drive, I knew what I wanted my financial future to look like, but I didn’t know why I just couldn’t seem to get ahead and reach my goals of being financially free.
So what was stopping me? My money mindset!
Now some of you may be thinking, what in the world is money mindset and why should I care? I get it, I had no idea what it was until I started searching for a way to dig my way out of the $25,000 of debt I had got myself into because I wasn’t aware of the somewhat toxic relationship I had with money. I was living paycheck to paycheck and I wasn’t paying attention to where I was spending my money. I knew how much money I had in my bank account and when it was gone, it was gone. By the last few days of the month I’d be eating ramen noodles and driving around on the fumes in my gas tank hoping I’d have enough to make it to the bank to cash my check on payday. I was MISERABLE!
Courage does not always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet at the end of the day saying, “I will try again tomorrow.”
The past couple of weeks have been a trying time for me. If you have been following my Facebook “Lives” you have heard me talking about how I attempted to go-back to grad school again and how it was a struggle. If you missed the videos, you can find them on @peacefullivingwellness
I was initially excited to go back to school. I was pursuing a degree in counseling, and as a coach I thought it would enhance my coaching skills. I started with a class called Theories and Practices and really enjoyed the subject matter.
The problem for me was the professor. (more…)
“A quiet mind is focused on the task at hand. It is calm and helps us to appreciate our lives from peaceful moment to peaceful moment. With a quiet mind, we are happier people overall.” -Diane Webb
It was an early morning and I was a fatigued, busy, working mom. The sun was not up yet, but my six-month-old son and I were. He was wide awake, and I was trailing behind in a sleepy stupor. All I could think about was coffee. The smell, the creamy taste, and the heavenly shot of energy that would come from that dreamy cup. I looked down, at to my dismay I was scooping my infant’s formula in the coffee filter instead of coffee grinds!
This made me laugh and jolted me awake a little more. It was a human moment for a mom that was trying to be super-human. Whether you are a parent, a working parent, a working person, or simply a fellow human being this scenario is all too familiar to you as well. I’m sure that at some point you have found yourself doing something mindless that left you feeling confused and maybe even embarrassed- such as walk into a room with purpose only to forget why you were there, or forgetting a ‘special place’ that you put an item you didn’t want to misplace.
These moments happen to us humans when we have too many thoughts running in our minds at once. This is a mindless state of being that creates tension, anxiety, confusion and irritability. It’s a common issue among all of us, but something we are not stuck with. If we approach our thoughts in a different way, we can reduce all of the running mindlessness that occurs in our minds and achieve a quiet, peaceful state of mind.
A quiet mind is focused on the task at hand. It is calm and helps us to appreciate our lives from peaceful moment to peaceful moment. With a quiet mind, we are happier people overall.
Some people reading this might only view a quiet mind as a lovely thought, but not a realistic goal. This misconception could not be farther from the truth. Running thoughts and mindlessness may be a given of human nature, but it is something that we can improve upon with consistent effort over time.
To learn how to quiet your busy mind, try these strategies:
- Adopt a different perspective on your thoughts. See yourself as an observer of your thoughts as opposed to the thoughts being an extension of you are: It is extremely important that you understand that your thoughts are not you, they are separate from you. Everyone has hundreds of mindless thoughts throughout the day. Adopting a perspective as a neutral observer of your thoughts, will help you to navigate through the maze of mindlessness when running thoughts creep up. As an observer, you can choose what you pay attention to, and what you want to follow up on. You will learn that every thought does not need attention or action. This will give you the ability to let thoughts come go out of your mind peacefully.
- Do not give yourself unreasonable expectations. Aim for only one or two minutes of a quiet mind at a time: In the beginning, it will be extremely difficult to quiet down your mind. After years or even decades of an unfettered mind, you may find it extremely difficult to let thoughts come and go without attaching values or emotions to them. Reducing mental chatter is a skill that you develop over time. In the beginning, it is best to aim for one or two minutes of a quiet mind. With consistent practice, you can increase your goal a little at a time until you are able to create a lifestyle of mindfulness. As the famous Chinese proverb goes, “The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.”
- When you are in the middle of a task, try to put all of your attention to it: Set your sights on being really be present in all parts of your life, including seemingly mundane tasks. Practice quieting the mind during routine tasks. For example, when you are washing the dishes you can use this opportunity to tune in and reduce mental chatter. Instead of running a to-do list in your mind, tune in to being fully present for the task at hand whether it’s washing the dishes, taking a walk, or playing with your children. Use these moments of being fully present to practice quieting the mind so that you can use this skill in more challenging or stressful conditions as well.
- Pay attention to your sensory experiences: When we focus on our sensory experiences (what we see, hear, touch, taste and smell) we are less ‘in our heads’ and more in the present moment. To help yourself reduce mental chatter, focus attention to those sensory experiences that surround you. What do you feel in your body? Savor the flavor and warm temperature of a cup of tea. Look out the window and focus on the colors you see. These practices are simple, but in the practice of them you learn how to redirect your attention away from mental chatter and into a more peaceful state.
This is not nearly an exhaustive list of ways to reduce mental chatter to achieve a quiet mind. However, using these strategies you can get a jump-start on the peacefulness you seek. As with all things that are worthwhile, the ability to quiet your mind will come in time with persistence and follow-through. They are not strategies that you do once or twice and write off if they do not work. They are strategies that need to be replicated over and over again to help us create the skill set necessary to reduce chatter and achieve peace. I hope they help you live more fully in the present moments of your precious lives!
Guest Blog by: Diane Webb, LMHC. Diane is a psychotherapist in upstate New York that specializes in anxiety reduction, post-traumatic stress disorder, overcoming depression, transpersonal therapy and achieving emotional peak performance. For more information and how to work with Diane, visit: The Peace Journal Connect via Facebook Here: The Peace Journal Facebook
“I took a trip to the mountains to destress from a emotional week. Just me and my camera on a 3 hour trip on a foggy and rainy morning. I needed to get away and breathe. Life gets crazy and sometimes overwhelming but it’s okay – we just need to breathe.” ~ J’Waye Covington, Photographer
In last week’s blog I talked about the things in life we have fear of that we don’t actually need to fear. I call these Paper Tigers. This week, I am talking about things that ARE valid fears. For example, a hot burner on a stove. A healthy fear of being burned keeps us from touching the burner.
Yes, that’s a softball example; we are justified in avoiding things that can physically harm us. And there is probably not much internal stress involved when we do have fear of many of those things.
I believe there are two other categories into which we can place fear. The first is the category that encompasses those things for which we should have legitimate fear, but that we need to face (as opposed to avoiding like the hot burner). Let’s call this category “Real Fears.”
The second is the category of those things that have some risk. These things are different from the Paper Tigers. Paper Tigers, once we examine them closely, actually cause no risk. What I am talking about placing into this category are things that fall somewhere in between Real Fears and Paper Tigers. Let’s call this category “Risk Factors.”
Here’s a quick overview:
Paper Tigers: Things that seem scary to us in life, but actually will not cause us any harm. For more on Paper Tigers head on over here.
Real Fears: Things that we really do need to be wary of because they could cause us harm, but that we can face either by using caution – e.g. avoiding the hot burner – or, by using bravery and/ or mindfulness.
Risk Factors: Things that we are wary of because they contain an element of risk, but that are not necessarily harmful. These are things that we either are not sure about or that we know there is some risk of harm, but the risk is minimal.
What are some examples of Real Fears other than the potential of physical harm? Transition and loss are two examples of things that fall into this category. Big changes can definitely encompass an element of fear. Whether it’s a long-distance move, a divorce, being laid-off from a job or empty nesting, transitions can be scary.
Loss also causes fear. When a spouse or other family member dies or leaves, when a house or business is foreclosed or shut down, the loss can be devastating. These are the things that we justifiably fear, but that we also need to dig down deep to find our courage to face and get through.
These types of transition and/or loss can rock people’s worlds. I know because I’ve lost a business and a home as a result of the economic crash as well as friends to cancer. I’ve transitioned out of a career for which I studied and went to school for many, many years. I moved from my beloved home town over 3000 miles to the other side of the country. And, I’ve lived with people with serious mental illness.
All of these things were terribly fear-invoking. They were so fear invoking at times that I felt nearly paralyzed. HOWEVER… I lived through the challenges. I learned from them. AND I found joy in life again.
I’ve been putting off writing this blog because honestly I think I am a little afraid to write about fear. I know – the irony. It’s also been a busy time of year with all of the end-of-school activities for the kids. So it’s been hard to find the time necessary to write about such an important and deep topic.
But now, on a beautiful Saturday morning, with a thunderstorm brewing on the horizon, it’s time.
Thunderstorms are such an apt metaphor for fear. They loom…They are impending… and then they BOOM & CRACK & GUSH! But, in general, if one takes proper precautions they are not dangerous. They will not hurt us. In fact, I love thunderstorms. That’s not to say that I don’t have a healthy fear of them – especially if I’m driving. But again, if I’m prepared, I take caution, and yes, if I’m brave, I can weather even a ferocious thunderstorm (even the emotional kind 😉