“NEW YEAR, NEW YOU? NAHHH… YOU ARE GREAT JUST THE WAY YOU ARE!”
Jen Robinson ~ Empowered Through Peace Coach
Going into a brand new decade is an auspicious occasion. I was having a hard time coming up with an appropriate topic as I have been thinking about blog topics for my New Year’s blog.
Should I talk about gratitude? It’s such an important, and often missing, part of our peaceful living…
Should I talk about hope? Again, something we humans can tend to lose a bit of as we go into our “adulting” stage of life…
Should I talk about faith & belief in oneself? That one has been very close to my heart during a very turbulent 2018 and 2019…
I just couldn’t decide.
And frankly, I set the bar pretty high with my 2018 Serenity blog! If I do say so myself 😉
WE ARE ENOUGH
Here it is, a bright and sunny New Year’s Day morning. I am grateful to be on holiday at my cousin’s beautiful home in Vero Beach, Florida. I am full of hope for a prosperous and abundant second decade of the 2000s. After having survived the challenges of the past two years I am feeling exceptionally strong in my faith and belief in myself and the universe!
But, quite frankly what keeps jumping out at me is the topic of SELF-ACCEPTANCE.
This morning I was doing one of my favorite things, reading Real Simple magazine (one of the inspirations for Peaceful Living Wellness, by-the-way) as I was sipping my coffee. I love their “Your Words” feature. I love to read the thoughts and feelings of the RS readers. I feel like they are so much like me and my friends. It gives me a sense of a rich, broad community of people.
And, there it was… in response to the “Your Words” question of the month: What item on your bucket list would you like to to check off this year? In amongst the dreamy responses of things like, “see a great white shark,” and “go skydiving,” was the inspiration for this New Year’s blog:
“ACCEPT THAT I AM ENOUGH JUST THE WAY I AM.”
A beautiful, brave soul put it right out there. That thing that so many of us hide away inside ~ The fear? The belief? The shame? That we are not enough just the way we are.
THE ISSUE WITHOUT A NAME
One reason we humans may struggle with this issue so much is that it seems to be an issue without a name. When I searched Google to research this topic I came-up with all sorts of interesting things. Everything from body acceptance to self-esteem (usually about body image) to not being orgasmic enough came up. But, the only article I found on the simple topic of “being” or “feeling” or “struggling with… enough” was a lovely, but dated, op-ed piece in the Washington Post by journalist Elsa Walsh about why women should embrace a good-enough life.
All of these topics are important parts of self-acceptance. But, that’s just the thing. They are all parts of self-acceptance.
YES! Thank you to women like Linda Bacon, Ph.D. of the Health at Every Size movement. , pop-artists Megan Trainor and Lizzo, and the many other women who are championing the body-positive movement!
And thank you to the women who fight for women’s empowerment in the workplace like Gloria Steinem and Sheryl Sandberg.
But, who is talking about the whole enchilada? Who is talking about the big picture where all the puzzle pieces come together (or don’t) in that HUGE question of why do I feel like I’m not enough???
Okay, okay, Oprah and Brene Brown are… But, other than them…
THE PUZZLE PIECES
A few years ago I wrote my first blog on this topic. In it, I talked about the childhood origins of my own “I’m not enough” story. And yes, that’s where it starts – childhood.
But, why do we still feel this way as adults?
My clients over the years almost all report struggling with the “I’m not enoughs.” They exhaust themselves trying to be stellar employees, super moms and sexy wives. They try to be all things to all people.
I even have a client who is exhausting herself with things she considers self-care. She has a full-time job. She helps her life partner with his company. She has her own side-business. Plus, she’s a mom! On top of all that she spends two hours in the gym almost every day, she spends an hour or more on mindfulness practices – normally something I strongly encourage – and she spends “quality time” with her daughter (again, something I normally encourage). Buuuuttt… Even though she loves all of those things, and they are all “healthy” things, it is just too much! ~ We’re working on cutting back 😉
There are the modern adult demands of being a caretaker. Whether we are taking care of kids and/ or parents the I’m not enoughs can be a real bear. Add to that the demands of employers, clients, customers and the like, and the feelings of being under the waters of I’m not enough can be deep.
These are just a few of the many puzzle pieces that make-up the big picture of feeling like we’re not enough.
GRIEVING SELF-ACCEPTANCE
A couple of months ago I found myself sobbing with grief over the death of my father. “What?” you may be asking, “does this have to do with self-acceptance?” It has everything to do with it. My grief over my father’s death came pouring out five months after his actual passing. It came when my step-mother lashed out at me for not making it out to California in time to see him before he died.
You see, I tried to go out and see him. I had airline tickets for me and my children. But, my dad told me not to come the week we had our reservations. He said that there were, “already too many people coming to see him that week.” So I changed our tickets, emailed the schools again, and reworked my business schedule again. Unfortunately he died before we made it out there.
My delayed grief was not just in response to my stepmother’s unfair judgement. I was grieving for the loss of the relationship I wish I had with my father. I was grieving because I tried throughout my adult life to get him to see me as good enough. I was grieving because even at the time of his death he still put others in front of me. I’m his only blood-related child. I was grieving over the loss of what was, a very long time ago, a deeply bonded relationship with him.
I was grieving over not being ENOUGH for him, over being criticized by my stepmother for not putting in enough of an effort, or in her words, “caring enough about him.” I was grieving for all of the times I felt like I was not a good enough student, a good enough employee, a good enough wife, a good enough mom.
THE MAGIC OF BOUNDARIES
We hear a lot of talk about boundaries. But, what are they exactly? And what do they have to do with self-acceptance?
Boundaries allow us to say to ourselves and the world, “I AM ENOUGH!!!” So get off my back! – LOL 🙂
No really, just the act of saying, “I am enough,” is setting a boundary. When people are pulling at you, and wanting too much from you, set a boundary. Instead of feeling like you are disappointing them remember that you only have so much of yourself to give.
When you start to feel like you need to do just one more thing around the house, at work, with the kids, ask yourself if it is really necessary. Or, have you already done enough?
When your parent wants you to do another “favor” for them, ask them if there is perhaps another person who could do that for them.
When you question if you are doing as much as your colleague who comes in to the office at 5:00 AM and leaves at 8:00 PM, ask yourself if that’s the kind of life you want to live.
When you look at another business owner who is all over social media showing all of the many things that she does as part of her “brand,” ask yourself if that is the kind of image you want to project to your audience.
And when the answer to these, and any similar questions, is that you have done enough, give yourself a break. Allow yourself to set boundaries not only with others, but also with yourself!
DON’T STOP BELIEVING
And finally, don’t stop believing that YOU ARE ENOUGH!
As the new year and the new decade dawn don’t worry about all of the messages encouraging you to be “a new you.” You are great just the way you are!
What are your biggest challenges with feeling enough?
What have been your strongest tools for combating the “I’m not enoughs?”
Let’s have a conversation!
To Your Empowerment!
Jen
JEN ROBINSON
Jen Robinson is the creative force behind the wellness brand Peaceful Living Wellness which is dedicated to providing a wide-variety of high-quality wellness information. Jen is also the creator of the Peaceful Living Wellness life coaching division, and offers workshops, individual and group coaching as well as retreats where she guides women in using Mindfulness and Mindset to build their inner strength on a foundation of inner peace. Jen also is the co-creator of the business coaching brand CEO Mindset that guides entrepreneurs in building their businesses without burning out.
The latest addition to her repertoire is that she recently signed-on as the Wellness Director for the business development company Wealthy Women Entrepreneurs . She is very excited to be leading this group of dynamic women entrepreneurs into success in their businesses and lives!
The most important part of Jen’s life are her two very active teenagers, AJ & Layna!
Jen’s Mindfulness and Mindset techniques inform her business, her parenting and her life!
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