The need for control always comes from someone who has lost it. And, nothing screams the loss of control like a good old fashioned outburst.
Highly negative business reviews from customers on Yelp, Google, and the like are byproducts of feeling powerless in the face of an exchange. It goes like this: something didn’t happen quite right in the business exchange, the customer is either avoidant or not able to get an adequate resolution after a bona fide attempt at one, so now, their only perceived recourse to maintain control in the situation is to write that negative review.
You know the ones: “I was horrified by the experience at John’s burger shack. I ordered a well done burger and it came raw as I’ve ever seen! The rude staff told me the ticket said it was ordered rare, and turned away to help other customers. I am filing a safety violation against their establishment today!”
That powerlessness manifests as frustration. That frustration can manifest as anger.
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The same can be said for in-person breakdowns in communication. In his book, Talking to Strangers, Malcolm Gladwell makes the point that “Transparency is the idea that people’s behavior and demeanor—the way they represent themselves on the outside—provides an authentic and reliable window into the way they feel on the inside.” The problem, when it comes to anger and outbursts, is that they are merely the tip of the iceberg. What is under that peacock-like display of strength is frustration, betrayal, disrespect and feeling let down. In the anger outburst case, the outside expression does not authentically or reliably reflect what the aggressor feels on the inside.
When faced with frustration, the actor must opt for one of two sides of the behavioral spectrum: plea for help by emoting about it in an outburst of vulnerable expression OR have the frustration manifest as anger and rip someone a new one. The former attempts to achieve its goal either by playing off of the other party’s drive to help someone in need. The latter operates off of the other party being fearful of the individual having an outburst, and put in the more submissive position.
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Like anything, the ideal approach consists of a balance somewhere in the grey. And, yes, that balanced approach is as unsatisfying as a rare burger when you wanted it well done.
It’s worth asking yourself, however, which side of the spectrum do you tend to default to in times of frustration: the damsel in distress or the asshole?
Between the two, since vulnerability almost always begets intimacy and connection, it is the more ideal route toward connection. However, many hot-heads who would rather default to intimidation and lawyering through an argument rather than be vulnerable, typically do so because vulnerability is scary, reserved for only a trusted few, or don’t want to be viewed as histrionic.
So, how can we conceptualize conundrums that come up in order to assist us in extending that pause between stimulus and response, and respond ideally? I coach my clients to take a three pronged approach:
- Be outcome oriented: Take a moment to pause between stimulus and response and imagine what your ideal outcome is. Want your money back? Want to be taken seriously by a physician? Understand that there is a strategic approach to your ideal outcome and being overly emotive and overly harsh are not likely to yield the ideal outcome.
- Be aware of all the straws on the camel’s back: Understand if a particular situation is really what is bothering you, or, if it is just the latest frustration in a theme bothering you. Don’t let the current situation be the scapegoat for some larger issues you are facing.
- Say how you feel in a neutral way: If you identify yourself getting frustrated, say it. “I am finding myself feeling frustrated because I don’t feel as though you’re hearing what i’m saying.” Never let your emotions overpower your intelligence- the goal isn’t to get rid of all your negative thoughts and feelings, the goal is to change your response to them. It is nice to know there is an alternative to extremes, and often, simple neutral explanations about where you’re at can help provide that alternative.
These positions can be unnatural to default to in your time of stress. It is helpful to review past episodes that have not gone very well in order to train yourself differently when new scenarios come up. If you know you are walking into a contentious situation, thinking through these three approaches to a perceived problem can be helpful as well.
Ashley Damaj is a Cornell trained Nutritionist, USC trained masters-level therapist, and post-masters Board Certified Behavior Analyst. An avid athlete, yogi, organic farmer, and chef; Ashley lives with her husband and daughter in Newport Beach, California.
She is the founder of Mothership Wellness, Inc., an integrative private practice. The backbone of her business is working directly with clients on ten pillars of wellness that are assessed and improved through actionable, short term, goal oriented individualized programs.
As a former pack a day smoker, drug/alcohol abuser, and overweight individual, Ashley’s mission is to bring behavior modification science and empirical solutions to individuals and families who want to make the move to a more healthy lifestyle be in alignment with the fullest expression of themselves.
She has worked in both corporate and clinical settings over the course of her career. Ashley has held Director level positions at a Fortune 5 companies, to clinical positions in a variety of therapeutic settings
(juvenile hall, domestic violence centers, in-home therapy, facility settings, etc.). Ashley has with diverse clientele of all ages using CBT, ACT and Behavior Analytic modalities for over a decade.
