Communicating with family during the holidays can be frustrating for some families. But, this year things are really weird! COVID is still around, but we’re trying to normalize. Some of us are vaccinated, and some of us are not. And that is causing A LOT OF STRESS for many families!
While experts are cautiously optimistic that the numbers will not surge as they did last holiday season, there is still serious concern about the unvaccinated coming into contact with people who are at-risk for infection. In the words of Dr. Michael Osterholm, director of the Center for Infectious Disease Research and Policy at the University of Minnesota as quoted on NPR, “There is more than enough human wood for this coronavirus forest fire to burn.”
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The ongoing risk, combined with people remaining unvaccinated, is at the heart of many communication challenges among family members this holiday season.
THE ARGUMENT
As a life-coach, and the publisher of this digital magazine in which we take a pro-vaccination stance, I have heard many complaints from clients, friends and neighbors about the vaccine-related arguments they are having with family members about the upcoming holiday get-togethers.
They go something like this:
PERSON 1: Because we are still concerned about the potential for coronavirus numbers to rise again this holiday season, we have decided to forgo getting together with extended family for Thanksgiving again this year.
PERSON 2: That is so selfish. We didn’t get to have our regular family dinner last year! You really can’t deprive us of it again this year. COVID is practically gone!
PERSON 1: We would feel more comfortable getting together with you all if everyone was vaccinated. But, there are so many people in our family who are refusing to be vaccinated, we don’t feel comfortable – especially because we have young children who can’t be vaccinated.
PERSON 2: That is ridiculous. It’s riskier to get the vaccine! And it’s not right for the government to tell us what to do! Besides, children don’t even get sick from COVID.
PERSON 1: Now look at who’s being selfish! You are selfish for refusing to get vaccinated! And, children are getting sick and even hospitalized!
Aaaannnddd… it just goes downhill from there.
TRY MINDFUL COMMUNICATION STRATEGIES INSTEAD
Outright arguments most often lead to hurt feelings, regrets and resentments. However, if you use mindful communication strategies to have a disagreement you are much more likely to find a peaceful resolution.
Mindful communication is reasonable, empathetic and calm. I use these strategies in order to have what would otherwise be tough conversations. In fact, I find that they give me the courage to have conversations that I might otherwise shy away from.
While there are different explanations of what mindful communication is, and how it works, they all more-or-less coalesce around similar concepts: Being calmly present, listening openly and being willing to be flexible. Years ago I crafted 5 simple strategies for my clients to use in applying mindful communication in their conversations, especially those conversations that have the potential to get heated!
- SPEAK CALMLY, BUT WITH CONFIDENCE:
Your tone of voice and demeanor make a huge difference in communicating effectively. Think about the teachers you had as a child who would be terse or scolding when they talked to their classes. Did you want to have a close relationship with those teachers? Did you want to have conversations with them? You were most likely a little afraid of those teachers and you probably did not want to have an ongoing relationship with them after you were done with their class.
The same is true of family communication when it comes to tough topics – like whether or not you feel comfortable being around your unvaccinated relatives this holiday season. If you enter into the conversation with hostility or condescension they will just argue with you or end the conversation. On the other hand if you enter the conversation with a peaceful tone your family member is not going to be offended – or “butt hurt” as they say here in the South 🙂
Additionally, when your family member starts to argue with you, if you remain calm and yet steadfast about your feelings, they will most likely calm down as well. Most people don’t see the point in arguing if the other person refuses to argue back.
- USE EMPATHY:
Remember, your family members most likely feel as strongly about not getting the COVID-19 vaccination as you feel about getting it. If you relate to them with words of understanding about their feelings they will be more likely to respond with understanding to you! Try something like this:
“We respect your decision to not receive the COVID-19 vaccination. We know that it is something new and that is scary for a lot of people. We are asking that you respect our feelings about keeping our potential for getting sick with the coronavirus as well. Hopefully, this will be the last year we have to worry about it and we can all get together again for Easter.”
If your family member gives you an argument, stick to your empathy. It’s okay to calmly repeat a few times that you understand their point-of-view, but that you really feel it’s important to continue to be careful this year.
Related Post: Solid Skills for Mindful Communication
- LISTEN WITH COMPASSION:
Listening with compassion goes hand-in-hand with keeping an empathetic mindset. When you express that you understand their frustration and that you are frustrated too it goes a long way to soothing hurt feelings. You can try saying something like this:
“I know, I miss our family gatherings too. And, I especially miss you! I hope so much that this stupid virus completely goes away soon and that we can all be together again.”
Saying something along these lines shows your family member that you really do care about them. By letting them know that you miss them it also expresses compassion and love for them as an individual. Compassionate and loving communication goes a long way towards smoothly resolving conflicts.
- RESPOND WITH UNDERSTANDING:
Like listening with compassion, responding with understanding is a natural part of being empathetic. While you may not understand other people’s choice to remain unvaccinated, try to understand their frustration about not being all together for the holidays. Remember, they are most likely feeling hurt and frustrated. You can try some of the following statements of understanding:
“I understand that you are feeling hurt about our decision…”
“ I hear the frustration in your voice and I completely understand it…”
“I really get that this will be two years in a row that we can’t get together in person…”
When people feel understood it has an almost immediate calming effect on them. It may take a few statements for them to believe that you understand their hurt and frustration, but when they do it will create an easier conversation.
- BE FLEXIBLE/ FIND A COMPROMISE:
On the surface it may seem like this is an either/ or situation – either we get together for the holiday gathering or we don’t. However, with some creative and flexible thinking you may very well be able to find a compromise!
Of course there’s the virtual option that we have all come to know and loathe – oh, I mean love 😉 But, try to put a spin on it. Instead of setting aside a different time to video chat with each person or family, try setting up a screen for each family at a different place at the table. If you schedule your meals at the same time you can actually eat together!
Or, perhaps you can find a way to be together in person, but with precautions. If the unvaccinated family members are willing to quarantine for a few days before the get-together it might make you feel safer. Maybe they would be willing to wear masks and sit at a different table, but in the same house?
If you live in a region where it is warm enough, there is always the outside option! I particularly like this one because being outside significantly decreases the risk of transmitting Covid-19!
MINDFUL COMMUNICATION EQUALS LESS STRESS THIS HOLIDAY SEASON!
If you are already arguing with your family about holiday gatherings this year, don’t worry! You can still use these mindful communication strategies to have another conversation. Approach it by saying something compassionate like, “I really want to see if we can find a creative compromise.”
There is no reason for families to continue to be stressed out because of COVID-19 this holiday season. Try these mindful communication strategies to reduce your holiday stress!
And let me know how it goes in the comments!
Have a Blessed Holiday Season!
Jen
JEN ROBINSON
Jen Robinson is the creative force behind the wellness brand Peaceful Living Wellness which is dedicated to providing a wide-variety of high-quality wellness information. Jen is also the creator of the Peaceful Living Wellness life coaching division, and offers workshops, individual and group coaching as well as retreats where she guides women in using Mindfulness and Mindset to build their inner strength on a foundation of inner peace. Jen also is the co-creator of the business coaching brand CEO Mindset that guides entrepreneurs in building their businesses without burning out.
The latest addition to her repertoire is that she recently signed-on as the Wellness Director for the business development company Wealthy Women Entrepreneurs . She is very excited to be leading this group of dynamic women entrepreneurs into success in their businesses and lives!
The most important part of Jen’s life are her two very active teenagers, AJ & Layna!
Jen’s Mindfulness and Mindset techniques inform her business, her parenting and her life!
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