“Don’t forget to drink water and get some sun. You’re basically a houseplant with more complicated emotions.”
Flowers wilt when they are deficient in a certain nutrient due to environmental stimuli or because it is their nature to do so at various times of the day. We are much the same. I consider “wilting” to be those moments when we may be down or just feeling “off”, or “not our usual selves.” This could be in response to something in particular or because we are just having a rough day.
But how do we respond to and handle our wilting? Do we face and embrace or do we distract and try to fake our way through it? How do others respond to our wilting? This blog post will give you some ideas on how to tackle both your own wilting and that of others.
When You Wilt
Don’t fake it. This may well be our first temptation when we feel the heaviness approaching. Plastering a smile on your face to weather the discomfort, is not only inauthentic, but more deeply buries what we are truly feeling. Rather use this as an opportunity to unearth the upset.
Consider our body: What is happening in our body right now? Find a quiet place, close your eyes, and take stock. Is there tension? Sadness? Anger? Frustration? Sometimes it helps to have a Feelings Wheel available so you can trace a wheel spoke and work your way out to pinpoint exactly what is going on emotionally.
Once you have delved into your inner self, take a moment and consider what you may need. Is it space? Is it companionship? Sometimes something as simple as a hug may change the trajectory of your emotional state. Knowing your need is the next step in order to figure out how to get it addressed and fulfilled. This may involve a request of another and you will need to ask for what you want.
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Asking Help of Others
This is sometimes the hardest part. Letting someone into how we are feeling can be awkward. We are so comfortable sharing our sunshine but not sharing our rain, but grass needs both equally to grow. Asking help from others may be seen as vulnerable and thus, as weakness. However, it takes so much strength to open up to others about your emotions and actually face what is occurring below the surface. This is where connection between people is established and thrives. Use this time to ask for what you need. If they cannot oblige, be open to other options. Maybe this is not a good time for them? Maybe this requires something of them they are not prepared to give? There can be lots of reasons. Most importantly, you have cleared the emotional space for this to occur.
Additionally, we may view our wilting as an end to something, a closed door. Perhaps we are unable to see the other doors opening down the hall. Wilting is not always finality, often it is rebirth, a natural cycle of how things operate. At the very least, console yourself with that possibility.
When Others Wilt
What happens when you are on the other side of this situation and see your friend hurting? Can you be there for them? This is when your self-empathy comes into play. (Consult my other blog post on self-empathy if you need a reminder on how this works.)
How comfortable are you with others’ discomfort? Admittedly it can be awkward and there is no magic potion to tell you exactly what to say/do. Sometimes they don’t need answers, but rather companionship and your presence. All too often when a loved one is in a tough spot, we want to do everything to make it better. But they don’t need an answer, they just need a kind ear and your full attention.
To push or not to push? You can see the wilt in your friend. How far do you push it? I will usually ask twice what they need and how I can help. If they are still resistant, I ensure they know I am available for whatever they may need whenever they may need it. They may not be ready to talk, but it helps for them to know they have a support system that is open to discussion when they are prepared to face it and let others in. Sometimes just sitting with them in silence is a great help.
When the Wilting Hits at Home
Mom and Dad will wilt. All too often we put the “wiltage” of our kiddos before our own. We need to make it better for them even though things aren’t great for us. How much sense does that make? Doesn’t the flight attendant say in the safety briefing that we need to put our oxygen masks on first?
Let the kiddos into some of your struggles.. Give them as much real truth as is age-appropriate. If you choose to maintain your distance and silence, you risk them making up their own narratives. These tales could often start with these tweens/teens as the perpetrators of their parents’ wilting drama, which is inaccurate.
Especially with tweens/teens, showing how you deal with your wilting helps them to understand how they can handle their own. These moments will breed connections with them. And they will have someone to turn to when they begin to wilt and more importantly, knowing it is ok to embrace this.
Conclusion
The t-shirts are right. It’s OK to not be OK. In fact, it’s both healthy and normal to have moments of “non-OK-ness.” There are times when we will bloom and times when we will wilt. We need to have the same openness to accept them both as they come. Don’t avoid or distract yourself from wilting because it feels awkward or upsetting. Don’t hide behind a fake smile so that others don’t know what is happening with you. Be true to yourself, be authentic, even if that truth means embracing the hard emotions. This is how you will grow.
NEELMA PYFROM
Hi! I’m Neelma, a Certified Life Coach/Life Strategist specializing in helping teens and young adults (and the families who love them) deal with anxiety, depression, confidence, and motivation. Together, we negotiate the hardships of the adolescent years -learning the skills needed in order to help them become successful adults who have found their peace, purpose, and authenticity. I have a passion for time management and positive habit formation and love sharing everything I learn (forever student) with the folks I coach.
In my spare time, I enjoy running, meditating, reading, crossword puzzle-ing, and boating with my husband and our two girls and our furbaby.
