Have you ever let the fear of “what if” hold you back from doing something? This is something that most people struggle with from time-to-time. But, I want to urge you to drop the “what ifs” that are born of fear and think instead of the “what ifs” that are hopeful of things to come!
Let me tell you a little story about how the “what ifs” born of fear kept me from some good adventures.
Our family adopted a dog two months ago. The animal shelter gave us as much information as they could: We were told she is about 3 years old; that she was timid; and that she had a slight case of doggo anxiety. Well. That was the biggest understatement of all time. It was very evident as soon as we got home that she had been abused. She was incredibly fearful of people.
THE CHALLENGES & REWARDS OF AN UNKNOWN PAST
It was heartbreaking to watch her scurry around the house with her tail between her legs. She would slowly approach everyone and then flop on her back, submissively showing her belly to all. It was evident that our new fur baby was suffering from a sever case of “what if” – what if someone hits me?” What if someone yells at me?
These “what ifs” are a dog’s way of behaving today based on what happened in the past.
We were pleasantly surprised to find that she was housetrained. Score for us since we live on the second floor and I was not looking forward to constant running up and down those stairs while trying to teach a dog how to hold their bladder.
We were not so happy to discover that she is a trash panda. She would bring the trash can out into the living room before digging through it looking for anything to eat. She has found a box of uncooked rice and ate the cardboard and spice packet, but left the rice all over my floor. No food (especially carbs) is safe from her.
START-OUT SLOW: IT’S OKAY
I am not an animal behaviorist. I know basics of training a dog- I’m very aware that our new furry, family member has not learned these behaviors overnight and that it is going to take some time and patience to get her to where we’d like her to be. We also keep in mind the possibility that she was abused. I’ve learned that she is very much motivated by food and not to keep a baggie of treats in my pocket because she will eat the jacket in order to get to those treats.
One thing that I have found myself doing with her is to sacrifice doing things I normally would do in order to make life easier for her. She has absolutely zero leash manners so I avoid taking her on walks in areas that I know other dogs will be. She pulls and tries to run off at the slightest scent of another animal. Perhaps she is thinking, “what if that other dog attacks me?”
We live near a park that has nature trails and as much as I enjoy walking through the woods by myself, it is a bit of a challenge to do it with her. We are making progress and I am happy to report that she knows “leave it” and “with me”- most of the time. My next trip with her will likely be to the beach to introduce her to the ocean. I hope she behaves. I love the beach and want her to as well.
CREATE A SAFE SPACE
I was hesitant to get her a crate. I felt guilty that she had been in a cage at the shelter for months before she came home with us. And who knows what kind of life she had before she was at the shelter. This was me engaging in “what if” thinking.
I was astonished to see that she actually likes her crate. We normally leave the door open for her to come and go as she wants. More often than not, she will be found snoozing in that crate and when she’s awake, she’ll give us that goofy smile and tail wags.
You see, we created a safe space for her and she’s learning to overcome her fears. Think about if you did that for yourself!
NOW TAKE A STEP OUTSIDE YOUR COMFORT ZONE
This weekend I decided that I was tired of being restricted to only being outside with her in a limited area. I decided that we were going to go beyond the park area where we normally go and see how she handles it. I knew we’d have to walk along a major road with a bridge over a railroad track. Let me remind you that this dog has significant anxiety and will cower after she is even a little bit startled.
I had all these preconceived notions built up about how this was going to be a terrible walk – again, me engaging in the what-ifs: I would end up having to drag her the entire way. Some motorist was going to see a cowering dog and call the police. I may have to call my husband to come pick us up because neither one of us is going to be able to handle it.
Let me explain what actually happened. She walked right beside me the entire time, happy as can be. Her tail was wagging, she was exploring the new area, she was loving it! My fear was that there would be a train as we were crossing the bridge and that would just be too much for her. A train did come through, but guess who was a fan? She stopped to watch the train pass and her tail was going a mile a minute.
This is evidence that my original fear was False Evidence Appearing Real!
LET GO OF “WHAT IF” FOR A PLEASANT SURPRISE
I have been holding us back because I am afraid of what might happen. I am so consumed with having to control all aspects of our walks that I have missed opportunities. I am guilty of trying to “protect” her, but I’m not doing her (or me) any favors. This was one of the best walks we have been on. We now have so many areas open to us to explore: neighborhoods, dog parks, and my favorite coffee shop.
If you are finding yourself getting frustrated that you are not able to do something, I’m going to encourage you to explore what exactly is holding you back?
Is it your own fear of WHAT IF something bad happens?
Has something not worked in the past, so you have sworn off ever trying it again?
Are you like me and you just KNOW what is best for yourself/family/dog and it’s just not the right time?
It is the right time! Look for the evidence and don’t be afraid to try it. You just might surprise yourself. Added bonus: the trash panda is completely exhausted and she has been too tired to cause any additional mayhem 🙂
Let me know what you need to some encouragement to try!
Or, share your storied of pleasant surprise when you broke through your fear and the question of “what if.”
Here’s to a Happy and Healthy 2020!
Amy Faith
Amy Jackson is a Licensed Professional Counselor and is the owner of Sweetgrass Counseling in South Carolina. Amy works with new moms and moms to be to realize that being a mom doesn’t have to suck.
She loves working with women and teaching them how to recognize and quite their inner critic so that they can become the bad ass mothers that are connected to their children and partners.
Amy is one of the first counselors in South Carolina complete the Advanced components of Care with Postpartum Support International where she received specialized training to diagnosis and treat the 80% of moms who experience the overwhelming feelings of being a new mom. Amy provides a safe space to talk about mom guilt, how to manage expectations of being mom, and provides practical therapeutic interventions that you can use when you are wide awake at 3am scrolling through social media imagining how you are going to screw up your kiddos.
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