This is the year of Breaking Busy! Last month I talked about the dangers of being addicted to being busy. This month we are going to start your journey learning tips for slowing down and taking better care of yourself. One of the most important things I have learned both from my own Breaking Busy journey, and from my decade of experience coaching busy moms, is the power of setting boundaries to free-up your time!
Stuck in the cycle of busy hoping that one day there will be time for your and what you want?
You are not alone. PEACEFUL LIVING COACHING is here to support you!
In this blog I am going to cover the three most important types of boundaries to set: Boundaries with yourself; boundaries with others; and, a boundary of asking for what you want! With these three boundary-setting techniques you will find much more time in your schedule – time that you can spend on self-care and things that bring you meaning and joy!
For my top 3 tips on HOW to effectively set boundaries check out my blog: The Bravery of Setting Boundaries
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH YOURSELF
“What? Set boundaries with myself?” you may be thinking. YES! I realize that we don’t normally think about boundaries in that way. We think of setting boundaries with others. But, the most important boundary-setting we need to learn as busy moms is with ourselves!
How does setting a boundary with yourself look? What does it entail?
In my experience it most often entails saying “no” to yourself. And I’m not talking about saying “no” to eating a cookie – I know that’s where your mind went 😉 I’m talking about saying no to filling your schedule with things that are not meaningful to you, that don’t align with your most important values.
If you can learn to say, “no,” to things that do not bring you meaning or joy, you will free-up your time for things that do!
Think of it as applying the Marie Kondo version of organizing to your life: If you are doing things that do not bring you joy, don’t do them. Okay, I know that’s not exactly practical. Of course you need to do some things that don’t bring you joy. But, keep the tasks that don’t bring you joy to a minimum. This is what Marie would urge you to do with the things in your house. You’re just doing it with tasks in this instance.
When applying the joy principle to tasks and responsibility, set boundaries with yourself about how many things you are doing on a daily basis that do not bring you joy.
Does making the bed bring you joy? If you look at your bed made-up and looking pretty and feel good about it, then absolutely make your bed! But, if it’s just another task on your to do list, then leave it. No one is going to see it but the people who sleep in it.
Does volunteering in your child’s classroom bring a spark of fun and delight to your life? Again, absolutely spend your time volunteering. However, if you are only doing it out of a sense of obligation, then keep it to a minimum (we are having a crisis of lack of volunteers, so I never want to discourage anyone from lending a hand. A lot of hands doing a little work goes a long way).
Free-up your time for self-care, and meaningful things, so that you can show-up as your best self.
SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH OTHERS
The second, but no less important type of boundary you need to set, is with others. In the case of what I call, “Defending Your Schedule,” the boundary you need to set takes the form of DELEGATION! When busy moms are working on finding more time for themselves, and the things that truly bring them meaning, purpose and joy, they learn to delegate.
One way to delegate is to work with others in your family and your workplace to divide responsibilities and tasks equally. So often my clients (and earlier in my life, myself) struggle with the tendency to do everything themselves.
STINKIN’ THINKIN’ & THE NEED TO CONTROL
The tendency to do everything yourself stems from two types of Stinkin’ Thinkin’: The need to control and the need to please others – and believe me, these are not mutually exclusive!
I know it’s hard. But, giving up the need to control is one of the most important things you can do for yourself. When your mindset turns to thinking things like, “I’ll just do it, no one else will do it right,” or “I have so much to do and no one will help me,” it’s important to stop and reevaluate. Did you ask anyone to help you? Did you refuse help when it was offered? Or, are you perhaps engaging in the stinkingest of thinking, that you CAN DO IT ALL?
Wouldn’t you rather free-up your time to do some things that you really enjoy?
STINKIN’ THINKIN’ & PEOPLE-PLEASING
The other type of “Stinkin’ Thinkin’” that keeps us from delegating to others is the tendency to fall into the trap of people-pleasing. If you are taking on tasks in order to please others, you are unfortunately engaging in people-pleasing.
I find that this is often difficult to uncover with many of my clients. They don’t even realize they are doing it. Here’s how the coaching conversation usually goes:
ME: Let’s talk about your typical day. I see from your Daily Log homework that you have a lot of tasks that keep you busy from the time you wake-up to the time you go to bed. Let’s talk about the “why” behind some of those tasks. For example, I see that you are vacuuming the house every morning before you leave for work. Why are you doing this? Does it bring you joy?
CLIENT: No, vacuuming doesn’t bring me joy. But, we all have chores we need to do and I doubt many people get joy from them.
ME: Very true. Many people don’t get much joy from household chores. But, some do. I had a client once tell me that she truly enjoys seeing the results of her work and this makes the process of cleaning fun, almost like it’s a game. Is that the reason you vacuum every day?
CLIENT: Not really. I mean, I do like to see the floors clean. But, I don’t really enjoy doing it.
ME: Okay, let’s circle back to your “why.” Why do you vacuum every day?
CLIENT: (After spending some time in thought) I do it because my mom vacuumed every day.
ME: Why did your mom vacuum every day?
CLIENT: I think because it was expected of her.
ME: Expected by whom?
CLIENT: I’m not sure… maybe my dad… maybe her friends… her mom?
ME: Does someone besides yourself expect you to vacuum the house every day?
CLIENT: I think my mom does. And I would be horrified if anyone stopped by unexpectedly and saw that my floors were not vacuumed.
ME: Does your mom come by every day?
CLIENT: No
ME: Do people generally stop by unannounced?
CLIENT: No
ME: So why are you vacuuming every day?
CLIENT: I don’t know.
ME: If your feelings about vacuuming every day were the only thing you had to worry about, would you still vacuum every day?
CLIENT: No… sigh…
ME: How about freeing-up some time in your morning for doing something good for yourself, like sleeping half-an-hour longer, by dropping the daily vacuuming?
So you can see that it took some digging for my client to realize that she was engaged in people-pleasing. And I’m pretty sure it was quite eye-opening when she realized that she was vacuuming to please people who were not even going to see the results of her work!
And yes, this is a real client conversation. It was actually about the fact that she was cleaning her entire house every morning before getting the kids off to school and going to work herself! She was getting up at 5:00 AM to do this!
Spend some time thinking about why you are doing your tasks throughout the day. Are you doing them to please people you don’t need to please?
Wouldn’t you rather free-up your time to do a few things to please yourself?
HOW DO YOU STOP THE CYCLE OF CONTROL & PEOPLE PLEASING & LEARN TO DELEGATE?
Start with awareness. Spend some time thinking about the “why” behind your daily tasks. If a sense of not being able to depend on or trust others to do the task correctly comes up, consider that you might really want to be in control of the task. If you find that you are doing something because you are worried about what someone else will think, you are definitely engaging in people-pleasing.
Think instead of The Serenity Prayer: God, grant me the serenity to do the things I can, to accept the things I cannot do, to let go of the things I do not need to do, and the courage to delegate.
Okay, I changed the wording a little… 😉 But, you get the picture!
These first two boundaries for Busy Moms will get you started on freeing-up some of your time. Next week I’m going to give you a step-by-step process for how to figure out which tasks to keep on your “to-do” list, which to get rid of altogether, and which to delegate!
Definitely check back in next week! The step-by-step will get you that much-desired free time!
And be sure to get your weekly PLW blog round-up – and a reminder to check back in – in your inbox by subscribing to our newsletter! As a special bonus, you will also get our Top 5 Tips for Peaceful Living!
From my heart to yours!
Jen
JEN ROBINSON
Jen Robinson is the creative force behind the wellness brand Peaceful Living Wellness which is dedicated to providing a wide-variety of high-quality wellness information. Jen is also the creator of the Peaceful Living Wellness life coaching division, and offers workshops, individual and group coaching as well as retreats where she guides women in using Mindfulness and Mindset to build their inner strength on a foundation of inner peace. Jen also is the co-creator of the business coaching brand CEO Mindset that guides entrepreneurs in building their businesses without burning out.
The latest addition to her repertoire is that she recently signed-on as the Wellness Director for the business development company Wealthy Women Entrepreneurs . She is very excited to be leading this group of dynamic women entrepreneurs into success in their businesses and lives!
The most important part of Jen’s life are her two very active teenagers, AJ & Layna!
Jen’s Mindfulness and Mindset techniques inform her business, her parenting and her life!
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