How To Build Your Emotional Support System: Having a supportive community around us is one of the best things we can do to build resiliency and reduce our stress levels! I want to direct you to focus in on the word “supportive.” What I refer to as a Peaceful Living Community is not made-up of a bunch of people who are just in our lives. A Peaceful Living Community is a support tribe; it is made up of people to whom you can turn in both happy times and stressful or sad times. And, because it is a community they are able to turn to you for support as well.
Transformative COURSES & WORKSHOPS that make integrating peaceful living, health and wellness easy, fun and affordable.
AREN’T OUR FAMILIES OUR SUPPORT TRIBE?
Many people are lucky enough to have parents who are the center of their support tribes. And, many people are lucky enough to have siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins or grandparents who can be part of their support tribe. Find the people in your family who are positive, uplifting and nonjudgmental. Those are the people you want as part of your peaceful living community.
In most societies, people believe that their family makes up the core of their support tribe. Reality does not always embrace that belief though. Just because someone is related to us does not mean that they are a grocery store person! And yes, there are some family members who should be our grocery stores (I know, I often say don’t use the word “should,” but in this case it is warranted).
Our parents, by their very role as parents, “should” be our grocery stores, at least until we are adults. However, there are just some parents who are not emotionally supportive. This is very hard when we are children, as we may not have others to turn to. As adults it is up to us to find other people to fill our emotional needs. If you know of a child who does not have parents to fill their emotional needs, maybe you can be that person for them.
Even if you are a person who has a great family, it is still very important to have others in your community. A diverse support tribe is optimal – family, partner, coach/ therapist/ pastor, and friends – make up the strongest community!
But again, we can have a wonderful community even if we don’t have people from each of those categories as part of our tribe.
WHEN “I DO” BECOMES “I DON’T”
Aren’t our spouses or romantic partners supposed to be our primary emotional support systems? Well again, like with parents, technically, “yes.” And yet, sometimes they just are not. Perhaps they are going through an emotional downturn themselves. Or, maybe it just turns out that for whatever reason they cannot or do not want to be a “grocery store.”
At this point, as the person who needs emotional support we need to ask ourselves a few things:
- Are my emotional needs deep constant, and perhaps overbearing?
- Do I have stress-management techniques in place to help me cope with my emotional needs?
- Do I have others to turn to besides my spouse or partner to help fill my emotional needs?
- Does my spouse or partner give me some emotional support, but it is just not enough?
Answering these questions honestly is very important. If you are a person who is very emotionally needy, for whatever reason, that is perfectly okay. But, it may be too much to ask of one person to fulfill all of those needs. If your emotional neediness comes from a place of insecurity, overwhelm or past trauma you may want to seek out a trained coach or therapist who can help you heal and feel better. You can ask your spouse or partner to support you in that endeavor, but be aware of asking him or her to be your sole emotional support system.
Likewise with stress-management techniques. We all have stress. And again, a spouse or partner is a good person to go to when we need support in processing our everyday stress. However, your partner really is not responsible for being your only source of stress management. Make sure you are exercising, sleeping well, using mindfulness techniques, and eating healthy food. If your stress is very overwhelming, again, seek the guidance of a trained coach or therapist. We have lots of different techniques to help you feel emotionally more fulfilled and relaxed.
Supportive friends and relatives, spiritual leaders, support groups, therapists and coaches are all appropriate “grocery stores” to go to in addition to your partner or spouse when you need your emotional needs met. It is particularly important to have a widespread net when you have a lot of need. And remember, there are times in our lives that WE ALL have an overwhelming amount of emotional need! During these times it can be too much to ask one person to be our entire support system though.
Now for the last question: Does my spouse or partner give me some emotional support, but it is just not enough? This one can take a deeper thought process. If you are not terribly needy, and your spouse is not even meeting your basic emotional needs, you are definitely in the hardware store!
If you are getting your emotional support from other people and places, but your partner is still not meeting your emotional needs, you are most likely also in the hardware store. Or you are probably at least in the parking lot! This is where mindful communication techniques about your feelings can be invoked to help your partner understand that you do not feel that your emotional needs are being met. Stay tuned for a future posting about mindful communication! If you do find yourself in the hardware store with your spouse or partner it may be time to seek the guidance and support of a relationship coach or couples therapist. Trained professionals are skilled at bringing couples back together to a place of emotional intimacy and support.
FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES: How to decide who is who
There are some of us who pick and choose our friends very carefully. Then there are some of us who embrace almost everyone they meet as friends (Full transparency, this is me ☺).
Again, this is an area in which asking yourself some questions will help you understand how to build the best tribe for you:
- Are you a person who needs deep connection with just one or two people?
- Or do you prefer to have more people in your circle so you are not too dependent on just one or two people?
Both of these scenarios can be conducive to building your support system. But, they also can both be detrimental if not approached with caution.
Let’s take a look at the first scenario. Deep connection is very important to us as human beings. Having people that you can implicitly trust and respond to gives us a sense of strong emotional security. This is positive side of having just one or two good friends. The cautionary tale comes from the perspective of loss. That is, if for some reason that person or those people are no longer a part of your life, you can be left alone and wanting. If you are a one or two close friends person you are well-served by having others in your support tribe: Family, partners, a therapist or coach, etc. You could also have a few friends with whom you are not quite as close, but given time with whom you could become closer.
On the other side of the coin, if you are a lots of friends person you may feel like you have a very strong support tribe. On deeper examination assess if your tribe is only giving you shallow support. If you have so many people in your tribe that you do not have time to connect deeply with any of them, you are missing out on that essential element of human connection – deep intimacy. You may also find that you are spread so thin trying to “be there” for all of your friends that your emotional well runs dry trying to tend to all of their needs.
The key to having a strong, emotional support tribe of friends is BALANCE. Try to have more than just one or two close friends, but don’t spread yourself too thin. It is okay to have people in your life who are acquaintances, but not friends. These are people with whom you are friendly. But, they are not the people who you spend time with on a regular basis. They are not the people you turn to in your times of need. And they are not the people who have a valued place in your Peaceful Living Community.
Who makes up your support tribe? Do you have a good balance?
I welcome your thoughts, questions and any value you want to add to my blog! You all are amazing, bright shining lights!
JEN ROBINSON
Jen Robinson is the creative force behind the wellness brand Peaceful Living Wellness which is dedicated to providing a wide-variety of high-quality wellness information. Jen is also the creator of the Peaceful Living Wellness life coaching division, and offers workshops, individual and group coaching as well as retreats where she guides women in using Mindfulness and Mindset to build their inner strength on a foundation of inner peace. Jen also is the co-creator of the business coaching brand CEO Mindset that guides entrepreneurs in building their businesses without burning out.
The latest addition to her repertoire is that she recently signed-on as the Wellness Director for the business development company Wealthy Women Entrepreneurs . She is very excited to be leading this group of dynamic women entrepreneurs into success in their businesses and lives!
The most important part of Jen’s life are her two very active teenagers, AJ & Layna!
Jen’s Mindfulness and Mindset techniques inform her business, her parenting and her life!
FACEBOOK FACEBOOK GROUP INSTAGRAM PINTEREST
