“Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, ‘I like you. You make me happy, I am glad to see you.”
~ Dale Carnegie
When I first read the title of Dale Carnegie’s celebrated book How to Win Friends and Influence People, I was a little skeptical. I thought, “what is he doing? Teaching people to be manipulative?” – Yes, I used to be a cynic LOL.
Of course, when I opened the book and started reading I found what he was saying to be sound advice. Carnegie is not encouraging us to be manipulative. He is, in fact, encouraging people to be genuine and kind.
And that, my friends, is the heart of my premise that if you exude calm confidence you will not only win friends and influence people, you will feel calm and confident inside as well.
WHAT EXACTLY IS CALM CONFIDENCE?
Confident does not mean arrogant, condescending or aggressive! (Pam, can we put this in quote box?)
Calm confidence is a demeanor. It is a way to approach other people that is warm and welcoming. As Carnegie says, “Actions speak louder than words, and a smile says, ‘I like you. You make me happy, I am glad to see you.”
Some people mistake being calm as a weakness. That is actually not the case. When you see someone ranting and raving, do you perceive them as strong? On the other hand, when you see someone who is calm and solid how do you perceive them? If I’m in an emergency situation I prefer the person who is calm to take charge. Imagine someone who is barking condescending orders, as opposed to someone who directs people with a calm, yet confident tone-of-voice. With whom would you prefer to interact?
But, what about in non-emergency situations?
Let’s take a look at the workplace. Carnegie’s book is written to inspire leaders. It is often assigned to corporate managers to read in order to hone their leadership style. Yet, so often managers revert back to condescension, criticism and barking orders. When I go into businesses to do mindful communication trainings the first thing I start with is “tone.” I teach the managers about how their tone – not only their tone-of-voice, but their body-language tone – affects the compliance rates of their employees.
Calm confidence in a workplace manager allows the employee to know that they are valued. But, at the same time this manager can issue a critique. Among other communication techniques, I teach the “compliment sandwich” method. That is, start the conversation with complimenting the employee and letting them know that they are valued. Then offer a critique of how they can improve. And finish with another compliment and some encouragement.
Can you imagine this technique being used with a condescending and/ or aggressive tone? Even if the words are complimentary, if the tone-of-voice and tone-of-body are gruff and closed, the compliment will fall short. The voice needs to be calm and friendly, but not acquiescent. The body language needs to be open and relaxed, but still professional.
This same technique can be used by employees when speaking with their managers about something they would like to change in their workplace – perhaps a raise.
It can also be used in these other situations:
- With parents towards children.
- With children towards parents.
- With teachers towards students.
- With students towards teachers.
- Between neighbors who have a conflict.
- Between spouses that have a conflict.
Imagine yourself in any of these scenarios that might apply in your life. Think of yourself on the receiving end of a conversation that involves aggression and condescension. How does that feel? Now, imagine yourself on the receiving end of a conversation that involves calm, confidence – and maybe even that smile Carnegie mentions. How does that feel?
WHAT CALM CONFIDENCE IS NOT
Just because one remains calm, does NOT mean that the person is weak!
One thing I have witnessed some managers in my Employee Wellness communication trainings, and some parents in my Family Wellness practice, do, is misinterpret what confidence means. They believe that confidence means stern.
Here’s how the scenario will often go: When I ask the client to exhibit calm confidence they will sit up straight, put a serious look on their face, and use a stern tone-of-voice.
This is the exact opposite of what calm confidence is. Yes, you may sit-up straight. In fact you may even lean forward a bit. But, the shoulders should be relaxed. And, more importantly, the facial expression needs to be relaxed and friendly. If friendly seems too unnatural, just go for relaxed and content. And finally, the tone needs to be open and non-judgemental. Remember, compliments only go so far as the tone with which they are delivered. And, critiques are more likely to be accepted and complied with when the person does not feel attacked by the critique.
Calm confidence is also not weak or submissive. I like to use the word “obsequious.” Merriam-Webster defines obsequious as, “showing or characterized by extreme compliance.” When one is calm and confident, one is NOT characterized by extreme compliance. In other words, being calm and confident does not mean that you are a doormat to others needs, wants and aggressions.
WANT MORE?
If this peaked your interest and you would like to know more about my Five Tenets for Mindful Communication, check out this blog!
I wrote it for couples, but the Five Tenets are those that I use in all of my coaching. In other words, you can apply them for all of your communication needs! 🙂
If you would like a more in-depth and personalized touch, book me for Employee Wellness training, or for wellness coaching! Jennifer@peacefullivingwellness.com
To Your Best Self!
Jen
JEN ROBINSON
Jen Robinson is the creative force behind the wellness brand Peaceful Living Wellness which is dedicated to providing a wide-variety of high-quality wellness information. Jen is also the creator of the Peaceful Living Wellness life coaching division, and offers workshops, individual and group coaching as well as retreats where she guides women in using Mindfulness and Mindset to build their inner strength on a foundation of inner peace. Jen also is the co-creator of the business coaching brand CEO Mindset that guides entrepreneurs in building their businesses without burning out.
The latest addition to her repertoire is that she recently signed-on as the Wellness Director for the business development company Wealthy Women Entrepreneurs . She is very excited to be leading this group of dynamic women entrepreneurs into success in their businesses and lives!
The most important part of Jen’s life are her two very active teenagers, AJ & Layna!
Jen’s Mindfulness and Mindset techniques inform her business, her parenting and her life!
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