I admit it, as much as I try to “keep things positive” I am guilty of letting “stinkin’ thinkin’” — or negative thinking — take over my brain. Let me explain what “stinkin’ thinkin’” is: It’s those negative thoughts that creep-up, take over your brain, and ultimately end-up wearing you out because you just won’t let them go.
“Stinkin Thinkin’” can take many forms. It can take the form of the stories you tell yourself over and over again about everything that is wrong with you. Likewise, it can be the stories you tell yourself over and over again about everything that is wrong with someone else. It can be outwardly controlling, as in when we worry that others are not going to do things the way we do them. It can also be inwardly controlling when we continually review a conversation or life-scenario that did not go the way we wanted it to.
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Most importantly, “Stinkin’ Thinkin’” is exhausting!
BUT, there are things we can do to alleviate the negative chatter in our minds and relieve ourselves of the stress of that ongoing recording that we are playing over and over again.
Let’s look at the different types of “Stinkin’ Thinkin’” in more depth.
SELF-DEFEATING SALLY
Self-Defeating Sally is their own inner bully. Their inner dialogue is plagued by calling themselves names or saying things like, “I’m such moron,” or, “I’m so stupid.” They also condemn their own looks. When they look in the mirror one of the first things they think is, “I can’t believe how fat I am,” or “Yikes! I look awful!”
As their day goes on, Self-Defeating Sally continually criticizes themself. They worry about what everyone else is thinking of them. They also have a propensity to “should” all over themselves – “I should be/ do…,” “I should not be/ have done….”
In other words, Self-Defeating Sally has very low self-esteem and self-worth. Living your life in a state of low self-esteem, low self-worth and chronic negative thinking can actually diminish your brain health.
A HEALTHY SOLUTION
When I am guiding my clients in building their self-esteem and self-worth the first place I have them start is with a list of the things they value about themselves. This often takes a little prompting. If you think you are in the Self-Defeating Sally category ask yourself the following questions:
- Am I a kind person?
- Am I a thoughtful person?
- Do I try to have empathy for other people as often as I can?
- Do I have compassion for others more often than not?
- What characteristics do I possess that I wish other people knew about?
- What have I done in the past that I can be proud of?
These questions help to get your thought process warmed-up. You may even be able to add more questions and answers that reflect positive characteristics and traits you have, but haven’t thought about for awhile.
Another technique I use with my clients (AND MYSELF for that matter!) are positive affirmations. Positive affirmations are statements that affirm positive thoughts about yourself. I think it is important to derive these from your answers to the questions about what you value about yourself. In other words, if you believe you are a kind person, use that as an affirmation.
It may also be helpful to go to outside sources, such as books or websites to find your affirmations. Just be mindful to only use affirmations that you can believe about yourself. There are some people who say that you can use any affirmation, even if you don’t believe it, because you can fake-it-till-you-make-it. This technique can work, but you need to know when to use it and when not to. In both my personal experience, and the experience of my clients, using positive affirmations that you already have at least a little bit of belief about is much more effective.
CRITICAL CHRIS
Critical Chris is everyone else’s worst critic. They are often unhappy with what other people do and say. They find fault with others and yet have a hard time accepting responsibility for their own words and actions. They are often on the defensive with criticism of others in family, work and social circles.
Often Critical Chris’s criticism of others is framed as worry. They worry that others are not doing things the way they think things should be done. They worry about the looks, weight, demeanor and actions of people to whom they are close, such as their spouses and children. They worry that their colleagues will not pull their own weight on a project. They worry about their friends’ choices.
Whether couched as outright criticism or worry, Critical Chris’s view of others is very controlling of others. It is also harmful to their relationships and thus, to their own health! The brain processes worry of any kind as stress and that stress can lead to serious consequences for your health.
Social connection and strong relationships are one of the most important things humans can do to reduce stress and increase longevity. Because Critical Chris is hard on others their relationships suffer. People end-up not trusting them, not wanting to be close to them and often ultimately not interacting with them at all. Thus, they may become socially isolated.
Likewise, worry framed as criticism can have a similar effect. Yes, it is natural to worry about people you care about. In fact, it is a sign of love and compassion. However, when that worry is framed as criticism it is neither loving, nor compassionate. Instead it is just as demeaning to the object of the worry as outright criticism.
Critical Chrises often find themselves replaying conversations or events over and over again in their minds. These replays are prone to becoming more and more negative, more and more critical of the other person or people. Because the brain latches on to negative thoughts twice
If you are thinking to yourself, “well I am a little critical of others, but I never say anything out loud,” you are not off the hook for the negative health consequences. You are still sending your brain negativity messages. Your brain translates those as stress. And, stress has a negative effect on your health.
Additionally, unless you are an excellent actor, the objects of your criticism still know how you feel about them. Your critical feelings are relayed through the look on your face, through your body language and through your overall energy.
A HEALTHY SOLUTION
Start with empathy!
The first step in overcoming acting like a Critical Chris is to view others with empathy. If you find yourself having a critical thought about someone else’s behavior, say to yourself, “I bet there is a reason I don’t know that explains why they are acting that way.” If you find yourself being critical of the way someone else is dressed, say to yourself, “that outfit may not be my style, but it’s okay that it is their style.” Or, to borrow from our British friends, just say, “well that is not my cup of tea, but that’s okay!”
Look for the positive.
Whether we are a Critical Chris in general, or if we just find ourselves in a Critical Chris mood (anyone else have PMS?), after starting with empathy the next healthy mindset practice is to look for the positive. Try finding positive things to think and say about others.
I personally like to compliment complete strangers. It often makes their day! Plus, it gives my brain a jolt of serotonin and dopamine that leaves me feeling happier in general!
Related Post: 3 TIPS TO FEEL GOOD RIGHT NOW: How You Can Boost Your Energy, Cut Bloat, and Get Your Mindset Right TODAY
I’M AN IDIOT IRMA
Like Self-Defeating Sally, I’m an Idiot Irma is their own worst critic. They will apply “stinkin’ thinkin’” to anything they say or do that they believe was wrong, stupid, dumb, ignorant, etc. – or, that they believe others perceive to be dumb, stupid, ignorant, etc. They replay the conversation, or other scenario, gone wrong over and over again in their mind. And, each time they do they criticize themselves and beat themselves up with demeaning emotions.
We’ve all been there at one time or another. We have all had conversations where it’s like we had foot-in-mouth syndrome. We have all had presentations, interviews, school or work situations where we feel like we just did a crappy job. That’s normal. And, going over the conversation or situation in our minds, can actually be healthy. It becomes unhealthy when we repeat, replay and criticize ourselves.
A HEALTHY SOLUTION
A healthy way of approaching the afterthought process is to give it its due diligence once or twice, but then ask yourself what you learned from it. When we turn something we perceive as negative into a learning opportunity our brain then understands it as something positive. Thus, our brain chemistry is changed and we are able to relax a little bit.
We can further the transformation in brain chemistry by replaying the scenario in our mind in light of what we learned. In other words, create a new scenario in which you say things differently or you act differently. You can deepen the brain chemistry effect by writing down this new, perhaps, in your perception, better, scenario. Finally, each time your brain starts to tell the story in its original negative form, you remind it of what you learned and that you already know how you will approach similar situations differently in the future.
Most importantly self-defeating name calling is not allowed! If you say something to the effect of, “I will not be an ignorant idiot in the future,” you are only sending your brain negativity signals. Thus, you are defeating the purpose of the positive effect of looking at a situation as a learning opportunity.
MINDSET MATTERS
No matter what form your “stinkin’ thinkin’” takes, it is just not good for your emotional or physical well-being.
The good news is that as you can see there are easy mindset fixes you can make to rid your thoughts of “stinkin’ thinkin’” What is important to bear in mind, however, is that our brains are prone to what in psychology is known as “negativity bias.” The human brain not only registers negativity more readily it also dwells on negativity for a longer period of time than it does positivity.
Thus, you need to employ your positivity mindset fixes as often as possible. Try to set a goal of saying, or better yet writing, at least two positive statements for every negative thought you have. Over time you will be creating more positive neural-pathways and your overall outlook will be far more positive.
If you find echos of yourself in any of the “stinkin’ thinkin’” types I describe above and would like to explore more ways to embrace a positive mindset, schedule a FREE 30-Minute Peaceful Living Coaching Discovery Session with me!
To Your Most Peaceful Life!
Jen
*A NOTE ON DEPRESSION: The depressed brain often takes on the thinking patterns of the character types I describe above. However, it is also accompanied by overwhelming feelings of sadness, worthlessness and a loss of interest in things you once found pleasurable, as well as other symptoms. If you believe you are depressed please seek out a licensed therapist or counselor in your area. Psychology Today has a helpful search engine for just this purpose. If you are having thoughts of self-harm or suicide please call 911 in the U.S. or Canada or 112 in the EU.
JEN ROBINSON
Jen Robinson is the creative force behind the wellness brand Peaceful Living Wellness which is dedicated to providing a wide-variety of high-quality wellness information. Jen is also the creator of the Peaceful Living Wellness life coaching division, and offers workshops, individual and group coaching as well as retreats where she guides women in using Mindfulness and Mindset to build their inner strength on a foundation of inner peace. Jen also is the co-creator of the business coaching brand CEO Mindset that guides entrepreneurs in building their businesses without burning out.
The latest addition to her repertoire is that she recently signed-on as the Wellness Director for the business development company Wealthy Women Entrepreneurs . She is very excited to be leading this group of dynamic women entrepreneurs into success in their businesses and lives!
The most important part of Jen’s life are her two very active teenagers, AJ & Layna!
Jen’s Mindfulness and Mindset techniques inform her business, her parenting and her life!
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