Lean Into Your Anxious Child: Being the mom of an anxious child is life-changing. It changes the lens through which you read any parenting situation. It changes the tone of your voice; the ability to be spontaneous (ok, parenting in general orders a ceases and desist letter there); and it seriously changes your family dynamics. Changing doesn’t mean worse, however. Well, yes it sometimes does. But it can also open your heart and enrich your brain as you struggle to learn new approaches to ordinary things.
Grocery shopping can become a battle — one where you’re surrounded by judging eyes who can only see the crazy. Like leaving a playdate. Instead of “Ok we’ve gotta go. grab your things and say goodbye;” you sink slowly to your knees to make eye contact and say, “we‘re going to have to leave soon, so finish up what you’re doing. you have 5 minutes.” “Three-minute warning” “two minutes then we go.” And on and on until you have her by the hand and sail out the door in harmony. Or something resembling that.
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An anxious child worries about everything — but you don’t necessarily know that. Or if you do know it, you may not really understand it. She doesn’t have the words to tell you and really she doesn’t know what she’s feeling. She is just trying to hold it together through the day. Those tantrums that make you want to cry or tear your hair out — or hers — are simply an expression of all this emotion she can’t name.
You might be tempted to think your child is being ridiculous and unreasonable. You might think he is faking this to accomplish something else or, if he really tried, he could stop. Those thoughts are almost certainly wrong; either way, they will cause you and your child to mutually withdraw, making it worse.
It helps me to remember that she is more scared than anything. Scared by her worries, her thoughts that things will be bad. But in the middle of the screaming and crying she is not worrying; she is scared. Scared by these emotions that take over her body and voice. So when you least want to hold her and don’t feel like being soft and caring, THAT is when you need to be. That is a huge challenge. But I find keeping my eye on the end game helps.
The more you yell, the more afraid she becomes — then she’s scared of your emotions and actions as well as her own. If you can just wrap your arms around her and hold on really tight, she will feel your heartbeat and your breath and will match it. She will calm down enough to listen, to follow you, to take control of her body again. She will feel safe, and you can then celebrate her victory.
And that’s the end game. For now.
DANA BAKER-WILLIAMS
If you’re going to thrive in today’s crazy world, I believe you need to bring your whole self to the table: your personality, your sense of humor, and most importantly, your heart. All of these elements brought me to start Parenting In Real Life, my parent and teen coaching.
I’m a mom of two amazing kids, one of whom has struggled with ADHD, anxiety and depression. Watching this as a parent can be heartbreaking and feels singular. I had nowhere to turn and i was totally overwhelmed. When we finally put the pieces together and got our daughter some help, everything changed for her. But I still didn’t have someone who could teach me how to parent more effectively. It was trial and error on the emotional dysregulation, the panic attacks, and the lack of executive functioning. There was no handbook.
I vowed then that other parents should NOT have to be that scared, overwhelmed, and alone. And kids and teens shouldn’t feel alone, stupid, disconnected or “less than”. Now I am in the position to help parents and teens alike. I help other 2e families find calm in the chaos, connect with their kids, and bring peace and joy back into the family dynamic. I give parents the tools and support they need to communicate and parent more effectively. Simple shifts and techniques will allow you to parent with confidence and handle the challenges with grace and set your kids up for success with life skills, resilience, and self-advocacy.
Bring the joy back in your family, book a call now. https://www.parentinginreallife.org/bookings-checkout/book-a-free-consult/book
