One of my most important aspirations is to be more mindful or as fully present as I can every day of my life. As a matter of fact, I believe it’s my purpose in life to be present so that those around me feel seen, heard, understood, and special.
As a professional, I have always struggled with separating work and home life without guilt. When I am working, I am thinking about all of the things I’m missing with my family. And when I’m with my family, I am thinking about all of the things I could be doing for work. I’m passionate about both and that’s what causes the tug-a-war. And when I’m trying to do something for myself (heaven forbid), I am thinking about the time I’m taking away from both work and family. And then, I feel guilty for thinking about one while trying to participate in the other. It is a never-ending cycle that I am sure all of you are familiar with.
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If you learn nothing else today, understand this. Mindfulness is a super power! It’s a super power! Mindfulness or presence, is a powerful way to shape experiences and create a life worth living.
Here’s how:
- Being mindfully present is one of the building blocks of great communication and connection.
Let me ask you a question. Do you feel like you are really connecting with someone when you know they are not really listening to you? This could be your spouse, a child, a co-worker, or someone you just met at a networking event. Do you feel you have clear and effective communication with someone when they never take their eyes off their phone while you are speaking? So, imagine how others feel when you choose not to be present in a conversation or even in life? Is your spouse or child going to come to you when they have an issue or share something exciting with you if they feel you never listen?
My mom was always bad about this. She didn’t ignore me on purpose, she just always had 10,000 things going on at one time. When I was young, I would ask her permission to do things (go outside to play, pull toys out of the bin, grab a snack, etc) and she would answer yes without really listening to my question. Then I would get in trouble once she realized what I was doing. To avoid getting in trouble, I started asking her to “say it” every time she answered me. I needed her to repeat back to me my request and her answer to make sure she actually heard me.
Although I consider my relationship with my mother to be very strong, I stopped voluntarily sharing information with her a very long time ago. I don’t want my daughter, my husband, my brother, or my friends to ever stop sharing with me. Being mindfully present will ensure strong connections and communication.
- Being mindfully present builds significance.
Significance is a basic need for every human being. We all need to feel significant. Do you think it makes someone feel less or more significant if they are trying to communicate with you and you don’t look up from your phone? Do you think it makes someone feel less or more significant if you’ve planned special time to be together and you don’t fully participate because you are taking calls, watching TV, reading something, etc? Of course people feel less significant when they feel like they can’t compete with whatever has your attention in the moment.
So, imagine how my daughter feels when she receives a really great grade and I can’t look up from my blog post to acknowledge her accomplishment? She feels that her grade is insignificant to me and therefore she is insignificant. Imagine when my husband is trying to tell me about a new idea he has or something he is interested in and I continue preparing dinner without making eye contact with him. And then to make it worse, I ask him to repeat what he said because I wasn’t listening. He feels insignificant.
What if it is an employee, a friend, a customer/client? Do you think they are going to want to work hard for, be friends with, or do business with someone who makes them feel insignificant and unvalued?
Getting all of me, not just part of my attention, is something that everyone in my life deserves.
3. Being mindfully present makes memories and slows down the passage of time.
Actually, not being present makes memories, too. It just depends upon what type of memories you want to make. Do you want the memories that you make with your family and friends to be positive, negative, or just not that memorable at all?
I personally don’t want to miss a moment to connect because I wasn’t paying attention. I don’t want to miss a funny joke because I wasn’t listening. I don’t want to miss an interaction between my loved ones because I decided to check my email.
Science even suggests that being mindfully present actually slows down time. For all of you people who are constantly posting on social media, “Time, please slow down,” this one is for you!
According to neurologist and neuroscientist Dr. Santosh Kesair, “We gauge time by memorable events and fewer new things occur as we age to remember.” Why are there fewer new things to remember as we age? Because we aren’t present enough to notice.
Being mindfully present means that you are fully focused on what is going on in front of you. You are fully aware of where you are and what you are doing. You notice the things you usually take for granted. When we are fully engaged with our experience, the longer it lasts. TIME SLOWS DOWN!
I want people to think of their time spent with me and say that I worked hard when working and I fully participated in life when not working. That’s what I want people to remember of their time with me.
How do you practice being mindfully present?
Here are a couple of tips and tricks that will help you learn to live more in the present.
- Understand your “why” and then commit
If you’ve noticed that you are not fully present in your life and want to make changes to correct this, you must understand why it is important to change. If you don’t understand why it’s important, then you will never be able to fully commit to making the changes and you will slip back into your old habits.
- Set boundaries
It is easier to be fully present when you give yourself permission to focus on one thing at a time. The best way to do that is to compartmentalize your activities and then set boundaries. For example, my morning routine. Because I have set aside this time for me, I have to give myself permission to fully embrace this time and not think about all the things I have on my “to-do” list that day. If I’m thinking about work, then I’m not going to get as much out of my morning time. My best ROI is to concentrate on why doing this first thing in the morning makes me more productive and a better person while not concentrating on the minutes that are slipping away from my work day.
Work time is just that. Thinking about throwing in a load of laundry while I’m writing this blog post is not going to allow me to clearly think about what I want to say in this post. There will be time for laundry later.
When we plan family time, it is important to not allow work interruptions during that time. My clients have learned that I have set work hours. If they contact me outside of those hours there will be a delay before I get back to them. I’m not a heart surgeon – no one will die on the table if I don’t respond immediately. If I schedule family time during normal work hours, then I communicate that I will be away from my desk and will return any messages when I get back. If I need to schedule work time during normal family hours, then I communicate that with my family to set proper expectations.
Put all electronics away after a certain time every day. For example, decide that you are not going to check email (or social media) after 7 PM and then protect that time. Make a pact with everyone else in your family to do the same. The difference in the quality of your evenings will be mind-blowing.
- Cut yourself some slack
No one is perfectly present at all times. If you find your mind wandering to work during family time, acknowledge the thoughts – even write them down if you need to – then pull yourself back into the present. If you find yourself sliding back into old habits, acknowledge the slide – apologize to people if necessary – then recommit to your “why”.
- Engage your senses
Try this easy sensory-awareness grounding exercise: 1. Name 5 things you can see. 2. Name 4 things you can touch. 3. Name 3 things you can hear. 4. Name 2 things you can smell. 5. Name 1 thing you can taste.
Engaging your senses always pulls you back into the present.
We all have grown up with the myth the humans can effectively and efficiently multi-task. Science has proven that our brains are not wired to focus on more than one thing at a time. Not only is it polite, respectful, and important to be present, we just plain operate better being present. Go ahead. Give yourself permission to be a better you by being more present. You will notice the difference and so will those around you. You might even say it’s a Super Power.
STACY OLDFIELD
After nearly 25 years in Corporate America, Stacy launched Minerva Management Partners as a way to combine those years of business experience with her life coaching certification and love for coaching women. Minerva Management Partners is a business coaching practice designed to support women entrepreneurs committed to launching and growing their business. Also, as a Results Coach with Robbins Research International, Stacy helps business women to focus their ideas and efforts and holds them accountable for achieving their goals. Whether it’s helping women discover creative solutions to their business challenges, coaching them to be clear and decisive, or helping them see and take action on new opportunities, Stacy guides them to achieve the business and career results they are seeking. Stacy is also the creator of the Minerva 3-Day Networking Challenge and the Network Like a Boss Lady On-Demand training program. Stacy has been invited to speak to many audiences within South Carolina including the Center for Women, Women Entrepreneurs of Charleston, the Women of the Workforce program of the Naval Information Warfare Center (SPAWAR), Charleston Women in Business, Association of Fundraising Professionals, SCANPO, graduate classes at both The Citadel and the College of Charleston (CofC), and Leadership CofC. She currently serves as a mentor through the Women of Excellence Program at Xavier University and previously served on the Board of Directors for the Beautiful Gate Center and on the advisory board of the SC Women’s Business Center.
