Summer is here and that means a lot of free time, unscheduled days and fun to be had. But it’s not as easy as that when you have teenagers. Teens can be a bit tough to manage when there is nothing concrete on the agenda. Not only are they striving for independence and dealing with surging hormone levels, but they also want to spend their days alone and isolated or out with friends. And yet summer can layer on an amount of social pressure that would send any adult to an asylum.
As they try to push us away and grasp for more independence, we find it hard to give them that space when the teen years can be a time of experiments and sometimes poor choices. Plus some parents worry about “learning loss”, especially after Covid. So should we be putting them in summer school or getting tutors? Clearly, that won’t go over well, so we are on a direct line to clash! Maybe you’ve successfully maintained the authority to lay down the law or maybe you haven’t. Either way, negotiating with your teen can be a super successful option if you’re prepared and patient.
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Ideally, over the summer and in general with teens, we would let go of the reins some, and help our kids become independent, and encourage that need. Encourage them to build skills, yes–but life skills like resilience and self-advocacy; even teach them basics like laundry and cooking–after all, you won’t be with them forever! What do they want out of the summer or out of life in general? Asking that and listening can be really illuminating. Still I know some parents believe they should have the only voice on all matters. However, if that’s not working out well, it’s time to consider a different strategy. Hold some space for your teen, be flexible and give negotiating a try.
Create greater harmony at home with these negotiation tips:
- Make a list of the things you want to negotiate. Each negotiation is a little different. While a set of skills and strategies makes for a good starting point, the details can vary. A few areas you might want to negotiate include:
- Chores
- A job
- Allowance
- Curfew
- Dating
- Friends
- Social events
2 Understand the why. Ask questions; don’t assure you know the right answer. They can surprise you with their rationals–and often in a good way. What’s behind your kid’s behavior? Your teenager might want to have his own car, but why? Is it the pride of owning a car? Independence? Do all of his friends have cars? What need is he trying to meet? Figure that out and then, together, you can find a way to address that need.
Listening skills are important when negotiating. Stop talking long enough to find out what’s going on and what your child desires. Try some active listening here—as a general question and then really listen to what they say and what they don’t say. Sometimes more can be learned in their avoidance of a subject.
Listen hard, validate their thoughts or feelings and then respond. Reacting quickly is not going to help here.
3. Many times, the best deals require both sides to give up something. Rarely in life does anyone get all that they want. Being a parent doesn’t change that. By this time your teen is their own person and you should be still guiding but having inflexible rules will lead to animosity and separation. So look for the middle ground and be prepared to give a little. Also expect your teen to give a little, too.
4. Be respectful to each other. You might think that you don’t have to be respectful to your child if you don’t feel like it, but that belief contributes to many challenges. People are much more likely to give you what you want if you show them respect.
- People remember how you made them feel. This includes your children. When you step down, they often step up. You’ve raised good kids, let them show you that.
5. At the same time, there are things that are non-negotiable. You might never consider allowing your 15-year-old daughter to date a 23-year-old. And you probably won’t let your 17-year-old son go to Bangkok with his friends for two weeks.
- Safety is critical and is usually what drives non-negotiable rules. Let your teen know upfront those things that are non-negotiable and why. Telling them your why’s helps them as much as you understanding theirs helps you. Expectation setting is critical with our teens.
6. Ensure that the final arrangement is clear to both parties. Ambiguity and vagueness lead to challenges down the road. Have set consequences for the rules so you take the emotion and escalation out of the equation when the rule is broken.
Parenting teens can be tough but it can also be some of the very best years. It’s wonderful to hear your kids talk about what they want and why. This can be a wonderful time of connection if you’re open to adapting. So put your negotiating skills to work with your child—it’s not that different than being able to collaborate or merge in your work. See if the same skills can be successful for you at home.
Negotiations don’t have to be a formal, sit-down, type of event. Casual negotiations happen all of the time. For example, maybe your teen promised to wash the car today but was just invited to go to the lake with his best friend’s family. You might reach an agreement that he’ll wash the car on Sunday morning before doing anything else that day. That gives them room but really makes no difference to you driving the car. Sometimes it just takes a pause, for us to think about our reasoning for sticking to something on principle if it maybe doesn’t matter to you.
There’s nothing like a good win-win. Remembering that we were teens once and being willing to listen and change our minds can make for a wonderful family dynamic and a long-lasting connection with our teens.
DANA BAKER-WILLIAMS
If you’re going to thrive in today’s crazy world, I believe you need to bring your whole self to the table: your personality, your sense of humor, and most importantly, your heart. All of these elements brought me to start Parenting In Real Life, my parent and teen coaching.
I’m a mom of two amazing kids, one of whom has struggled with ADHD, anxiety and depression. Watching this as a parent can be heartbreaking and feels singular. I had nowhere to turn and i was totally overwhelmed. When we finally put the pieces together and got our daughter some help, everything changed for her. But I still didn’t have someone who could teach me how to parent more effectively. It was trial and error on the emotional dysregulation, the panic attacks, and the lack of executive functioning. There was no handbook.
I vowed then that other parents should NOT have to be that scared, overwhelmed, and alone. And kids and teens shouldn’t feel alone, stupid, disconnected or “less than”. Now I am in the position to help parents and teens alike. I help other 2e families find calm in the chaos, connect with their kids, and bring peace and joy back into the family dynamic. I give parents the tools and support they need to communicate and parent more effectively. Simple shifts and techniques will allow you to parent with confidence and handle the challenges with grace and set your kids up for success with life skills, resilience, and self-advocacy.
Bring the joy back in your family, book a call now. https://www.parentinginreallife.org/bookings-checkout/book-a-free-consult/book
