What’s the toughest stage for a mother? You may picture staying up all night with a crying infant or chasing after a rambunctious toddler. You might also think dealing with teen moods and high school anxiety. However, according to a recent study, middle school blues cause the most stress. It turns out we feel more anxious, dissatisfied, and doubtful about our parenting skills in those years.
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Researchers at Arizona State University found that mothers of middle schoolers experience more stress and less well-being than parents of younger or older children. Having gone through all of these stages I honestly think they are all hard in different ways. I honestly also think it can vary based on –well everything–but somewhat on gender. I hate to say that and of course, it’s a stereotype but there is definitely a more emotional component with those who identify as girls. Between the struggle to be thin, to wear the right clothes, and their ability to really be kind of mean–it’s definitely tough.
As a mom, it’s hard to watch and it’s also hard to navigate yourself and help guide them. Here are some tips to try for making parenting a little easier in between having a cute baby and a happy adult.
Dealing with Your Tween’s Growing Independence in Middle School
It’s natural if the child who used to laugh at your jokes now wants to sulk in her room or squabble with his siblings. Motivation for schoolwork lags as it gets harder, and emotions grow with changes in friendships. So how can we help our tweens deal with the dramatic physical and emotional changes they’re going through?
- Start early. Prepare your kids for puberty and other changes. Listening is one of the biggest skills parents can use. Listen to their concerns and answer their questions with age-appropriate information. Watch movies together that will give you an opportunity to discuss bullying, peer pressure, and other issues. If they have older siblings, their ears and opinions can be useful.
- Set limits. Boundaries can be beautiful and healthy. Ok, I get it, our kids can be moody, but we can model and help them deal with anger constructively. Be a positive role model. Let kids know that it’s okay to take time to cool off–in fact, it’s good, but violent outbursts are out of bounds. This works for us too. We need to try to respond and not react all the time.
- Provide reasons. Be open to discussing house rules. Yes, you need house rules! 😉 The best way to make them and decide how to handle them is often in a house meeting. Why bring your kids in on it? Because they are much more likely to cooperate and even follow the rules if they understand your concerns and know that you value their input.
- Teach organizing skills. I know exactly how painful it is to open your kid’s backpack or to get them to try to turn in their d— homework. A job of pure frustration! And, the fact is that school is harder, more intense now and so are friendships and social lives. Give them some pointers on managing their time and remembering homework assignments. As a coach, I can tell you that timers are your friend, as are folders and routines. One tip that really works is to get one 2-sided folder for ALL homework. One side is To Do and one To Turn In. This makes it so much easier than having to scan through 5 different folders and binders.
- Show your appreciation. Focus on the positive. Praise kids for studying hard and pitching in with household chores–even though it’s expected. Don’t be afraid to use rewards as well. If your kid goes a whole week–or a whole day–and turns in all of their work on time and complete, maybe a trip to the ice cream store isn’t a bad idea.
- Encourage extracurricular activities. These years are a great time for kids to explore new interests, try sports or a musical instrument and build their confidence. Say yes if you can. The more experiences they have, the better they will be socially, physically, and mentally.
Ideas for YOU
We can’t take care of our kids if we don’t take care of ourselves. As our kids go through these changes, we have some of our own. Often our own friends have grown from our kids’ friends – we’re friends with the parents. When tweens leave their familiar elementary schools for larger middle schools, sometimes our friendships shift as well. If it’s been all about the kids for years, you might feel a little lost and increasingly isolated–especially with Covid lingering.
It’s ok to acknowledge that; it can be hard to make new friends as an adult. Here are a few ideas for you:
- Join a parent group. No, not the mommy and me playgroups. You may not be able to count on making friends with other parents at the playground and birthday parties anymore. Look for discussion groups or book groups online, at your church or community hall.
- Take classes. Did you used to have–or still have–a hobby? Do you want to learn a new sport or skill? If you are feeling less than secure in your parenting decisions, you could take a parenting class or even hire a coach for some support as you move through these stages.
- Talk with the teacher. You don’t go completely hands-off at this time. You’re still needed to support your kid’s learnings and even their homework! So talk to your child’s teacher–they can help you stay informed about how your child is doing in school and how you can help them learn. Share your concerns about excessive homework or college preparation. Offer to volunteer so you can stay informed.
- Check in with your partner. Bringing up your tween could bring you and your spouse closer together or it could take a toll on your relationship. Sort out conflicts respectfully and present a united front. Make time for each other. Try taking a class together–a cooking class or wine pairings; take one day a week where you do something new like play pickleball or go for a hike.
The middle school years can bring lots of drama, but they can also be a time of really positive change. Try to celebrate the good stuff and roll a little with the bad. For instance if they come home in a mood, give them a snack and some space. They may need a little time before they are ready to tell you what’s wrong. Sometimes they will not tell you at all. That’s ok–they’re doing what they’re supposed to do by striving for a little independence. You’re there to support them, catch them if they fall and guide them. Just remember to get support for yourself as well, mama.
DANA BAKER-WILLIAMS
If you’re going to thrive in today’s crazy world, I believe you need to bring your whole self to the table: your personality, your sense of humor, and most importantly, your heart. All of these elements brought me to start Parenting In Real Life, my parent and teen coaching.
I’m a mom of two amazing kids, one of whom has struggled with ADHD, anxiety and depression. Watching this as a parent can be heartbreaking and feels singular. I had nowhere to turn and i was totally overwhelmed. When we finally put the pieces together and got our daughter some help, everything changed for her. But I still didn’t have someone who could teach me how to parent more effectively. It was trial and error on the emotional dysregulation, the panic attacks, and the lack of executive functioning. There was no handbook.
I vowed then that other parents should NOT have to be that scared, overwhelmed, and alone. And kids and teens shouldn’t feel alone, stupid, disconnected or “less than”. Now I am in the position to help parents and teens alike. I help other 2e families find calm in the chaos, connect with their kids, and bring peace and joy back into the family dynamic. I give parents the tools and support they need to communicate and parent more effectively. Simple shifts and techniques will allow you to parent with confidence and handle the challenges with grace and set your kids up for success with life skills, resilience, and self-advocacy.
Bring the joy back in your family, book a call now. https://www.parentinginreallife.org/bookings-checkout/book-a-free-consult/book
