Parents with kids of all ages worry about them as they head back to school each fall. With younger children we worry about things like who their teacher is and if they will get along with the other kids. But, parents of teens have some different worries.
THE STRUGGLE IS REAL
In this day-and-age, with the intense pressure of what can seem like an incredibly competitive looming college admissions process, the worries can seem overwhelming!
Parents ask themselves things like:
“How is my child going to achieve 4.0 ++ GPA?”
“Should I put my child into every advanced placement (AP) class possible? Or, are honors or college-prep classes enough?”
“How many extracurriculars does my child need and how are they supposed to do all this and not burn out from exhaustion?”
They worry about things like the fact that their child has multiple teachers with whom they may, or may not, get along.
They not only worry about whether or not their child is going to get along with the other kids, but in many high schools there is also the worry about fighting in the hallways and drugs in the bathrooms.
And dare I mention dating and heartbreak???
Is your blood pressure up yet?
As the mother of two teens heading back to school, mine is!
4 STRESSORS & TIPS FOR HANDLING THEM
Getting Into College: I am lumping all of the worries about the competitive college admissions process into one category. While they are different types of worries – GPA/ “to AP or not to AP”/ extracurriculars – they are all about the same goal: college admissions!
My tips for how to handle the 4 years of stress about this looming process all lie in the same vein. Thus, “lumping” works out in this case 🙂
If your child is a high-achiever AND has an easy-going personality go ahead and let them load it on. As long as they are not overwhelmed and stressed out, this is okay. And, as long as they are still achieving, then by-all-means open the gates.
However, if your child is struggling, go ahead and let them take College Prep classes instead of AP classes. I have been assured by multiple guidance counselors that it looks better to have a higher grade in a CP class than a lower grade in an AP class.
You also do not have to overwhelm them with extra-curriculars. During my time as a professor in the University of California system I spoke with many admissions counselors. The colleges are looking for students who are well-rounded, not overwhelmed. Most of all, let your student participate in things that they enjoy!
I’m lucky, my kids are band kids. Band is something that looks good on college applications. But recently, I had a conversation with my son (a rising sophomore) about participating in the school leadership program in addition to band. His response was that he would have to give-up jazz band in order to do that and he did not want to give-up something he enjoyed so much.
This makes complete sense! So I dropped the topic of school leadership. Low-and-behold, he came home a week later and said that he was now part of the marching band leadership program – I didn’t even know there was such a thing!
Don’t worry about your child going straight into a four-year school from high school. Community College is a really good idea for a lot of kids! As a professor I witnessed so many freshmen struggle both emotionally and academically in the large universities. Many students are not ready to take on the rigors of the four-year university when they are only 17 or 18 years old.
Thus, if your student is not excelling in high school, it’s okay. They can attend community college and either graduate with an Associates of Arts degree in many employable fields or easily transfer to a four-year school in two years!
Community College allows students to take some time to figure out in which subjects they accell. It’s low-cost, and in some regions, free. The CCs are also more geared towards teaching than the large, research universities. In other words, the students get more attention and are treated like they really matter.
Teachers & Their Personalities:
It is almost inevitable that your student will have at least one teacher that they don’t like! And often, they will have more than one in any given school year. I find that mindfulness works well in these situations. I have my kids ask themselves 3 questions when they are complaining about their teachers:
- Is the teacher really doing/ saying, “X,Y,Z,” or are you perhaps not giving them the benefit of the doubt about their intentions?
- Can you control what the teacher is doing/ saying?
- What can you control in this situation? – e.g. their own reactions.
I have found that these questions help my kids to think more deeply about intention when speaking. I hope that this helps them recognize true intention when they hear others speak, as well as to think about their own intentions when speaking.
In the study of mindful communication people have found that owning control of one’s reactions is very empowering. When our children recognize that they can choose to be upset and blame the teacher, OR they can choose to figure out what they can do in the questionable situation, they are empowered to be in charge of their feelings, reactions and the choices they make in life.
Finally, as the middle-of-the-road mama that I am, I also make sure that my kids know that I will not be a helicopter mom and talk to every teacher in every situation (and quite honestly, most teens don’t want their moms to do this). But, I also let them know that I have their backs if they want me to intervene with a teacher. This allows the kids to take charge of the situation on their own, but to know that they are not alone and that an adult is behind them should they need me. My daughter has asked me to email her middle school teachers on occasion when she is having a particularly difficult time.
Other Kids: Calm Confidence!
This is the most important thing I teach to my teen coaching clients (as well as my own kids). That is, if you are calm and confident you will have fewer problems with other kids.
First, bullies are not attracted to kids who are calm and confident. Bullies want attention and a reaction. Calm and confident kids don’t give a reaction to bullies, so the bullies tend to leave them alone.
Second, most other kids ARE attracted to calm and confident kids. They want to be around people who are calm and don’t cause a lot of drama. And, they want to be around kids who feel good about themselves, and again, don’t cause or attract drama.
I do issue a caution to my teens about the word confident. I urge them that confident does not mean arrogant. No one wants to be around someone who looks down on them. Confident also does not mean judgemental. Kids who are calm and confident are fun to be around and support and encourage their friends!
If you have a child who struggles with not having enough, or conversely having too much, self-esteem, find characters in television shows, movies or books that exhibit the traits of being calm and confident. And don’t forget that you provide the best example for them! If you are calm and confident they will see how it works well in your life.
Dating & Heartbreak:
Start with acceptance. Your teens are most likely going to date. And unfortunately, along with dating comes heartbreak. I will someday write an entire book on this subject. But, for the purposes of this blog, I am going to stick with the basic points of acceptance:
Accept that they will date.
Accept that they will most likely have their heart broken at least once.
And remember, they will grow stronger from the experience.
As parents, it is important that we are very mindful of listening to what our child needs from us when it comes to dating and heartbreak. I personally want to jump in and give all sorts of advice! WRONG THING TO DO! Yes, I have to restrain myself!
Our teens are actually more likely to turn to their peers when it comes to seeking dating advice, as well as when it comes to finding comfort for their heartache. It’s okay to let them do this.
But, that’s not to say that as parents we should not interfere at all. We do need to have a mindful conversation about sex and sexuality. Being mindful about your child’s comfort level is important here. My husband and I ask our son if he would prefer to talk to mom or dad about these things – much to my chagrin he picks dad!
My daughter will bring up topics of dating and even sex without me prompting her to. It is my belief that because I answer her openly and honestly she feels comfortable talking to me about these things.
Most of all, when it comes to the delicate topic of dating and relationships, mindful communication is supportive. Criticism and condemnation are not ever a part of mindful communication practices. When it comes to dating and relationships they can do significant damage to your child’s sense of confidence in making good choices.
So DON’T CRITICIZE even if you see your child making choices you don’t agree with. Make suggestions. Tell a story or two from your past about how a poor choice turned out. But, don’t condemn your child. It will most likely backfire on you.
THE TAKE-AWAYS
There are of course many other worries we parents have about our kids going into a new school year. I hope that the tips for the four stressors I talk about in this blog will be applicable for all of the many stressors that can come up! To sum-up the take-aways:
It’s okay for your kids to avoid overwhelm. There are post-high school options.
Encourage your child to be calm and confident. And reinforce this by avoiding criticizing them.
Allow your child to fight their own battles, and heal their own hearts, but let them know that you are there for them if they need you.
And MOST IMPORTANTLY use mindfulness in communication and interactions with your kiddos! Here’s a useful guide to Mindful Communication
NEED MORE?
I’m here to help! Contact me!
I offer group and individual coaching to help you find your inner peace and inner strength! Find out more at www.empoweredthroughpeace.com
Happy Back-To-School!
Jen
JEN ROBINSON
Jen Robinson is the creative force behind the wellness brand Peaceful Living Wellness which is dedicated to providing a wide-variety of high-quality wellness information. Jen is also the creator of the Peaceful Living Wellness life coaching division, and offers workshops, individual and group coaching as well as retreats where she guides women in using Mindfulness and Mindset to build their inner strength on a foundation of inner peace. Jen also is the co-creator of the business coaching brand CEO Mindset that guides entrepreneurs in building their businesses without burning out.
The latest addition to her repertoire is that she recently signed-on as the Wellness Director for the business development company Wealthy Women Entrepreneurs . She is very excited to be leading this group of dynamic women entrepreneurs into success in their businesses and lives!
The most important part of Jen’s life are her two very active teenagers, AJ & Layna!
Jen’s Mindfulness and Mindset techniques inform her business, her parenting and her life!
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