As can be true for so many difficult seasons of life, I look back on my solid decade of stimulant use with sadness for who I thought I needed to be.
That rear-view mirror is also joined by regret, with how I compromised my inner health for outside appearances and the illusion of productivity. I find myself praying that no dire consequences catch me from those years, and I propose one-way compromises with the universe on how to avoid repercussions if I “just do better from now on” in this way, or that way.
I ditched Adderall so many years ago, now, that the irritability, awkward jitteriness and anxiety side effects that classically accompany the drug almost feel forgotten to me.
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What feels current, though, is the way stimulants call like sirens: promising to cure 21st century distress. They promise a clean house, massive amounts of corporate work to be completed, a lean physique, a way toward those long nights studying for that PhD, and any anything else we barely have time and energy for.
There have been three separate circumstances over the last couple years where I found myself ruminating about them again.
The first time, I was trying to shake off postpartum weight and almost surrendered to the stimulant quick fix again. The shock for any new parents of how much sleep you lose, how dirty your kitchen looks, and how much actual laundry piles up with a new baby is enough to make a deal with the devil.
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I didn’t start taking it again. I wanted to give my daughter the most calm and nurturing start to life, and that meant some extra pounds on me for a while and being ‘ok’ with our apartment looking like a war zone. While I gave birth to her, it was she who birthed a newer version of me. One who valued connection, peace and calm over the outward expression of those things.
The second time was this COVID pandemic. The draw to be supermom, workout daily, not eat too much, have our massive garden neat and producing, replace our housekeeper, and run my small business was far more appealing rather than succumbing to the reality of COVID. We structured our lives around support from others: daycare, housekeeping, friends and family.
All of that vanished overnight, and part of the denial and hypervigilance I experienced during lockdown was a whisper to replace all those things myself. Being everything to everybody might enable me to avoid the reality that a lot of life has come to a screeching halt. I didn’t want to accept that. I still don’t.
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I didn’t get back on the Adderall wagon though… As I sit here writing this, my kitchen is a mess. My husband asks “Are there any clean underwear for me?” My daughter watches too many YouTube videos as I sneak in client sessions over Zoom, and catch up on reports.
And, it’s not just me…
In my coaching business, I keep a strong pulse on what’s up with people, and their adherence to healthy living. Both for my current client load, and consultations I offer for free. People are struggling. Mostly with alcohol dependency and using food as a coping mechanism. But, there is another temptress lurking in the shadows.
I typically host around 10 consultation calls a week for potential clients. Most of these individuals are working moms, who have been thrust into an awkward circumstance of two full time jobs more than usual. COVID has been a massive backstep in feminism, with moms stepping in more than even before with household, parenting, and familial obligations on top of their careers.
“What are you struggling with right now in relation to your health and wellness?” I ask. Adderall comes up, a lot. Cocaine sometimes. It’s these times, that I start thinking about it again, too. This time, from a clinical perspective.
Sometimes, it comes up with them defending an ADHD diagnosis. Sometimes it comes up because they, also, want to justify using it “just a little bit, it won’t be as much as before.” “It’s better than throwing up or starving myself.” “Adderall is better than coke, right?” Sometimes, it comes up because they are at a loss on how to do it all, or even half the things. They wonder if it could be answer.
After some exploration, the behavior chain can look like this: Stimulants during the day, drinking at night to come down, eating late and too much due to the alcohol, poor sleep due to stimulants and alcohol use, waking up with a sore belly and hangover. Repeat.
After many sessions to get to the root of all this, my goal is to give them the peace I remind myself of: You do not need to do it all. You are enough. Life looks different now. Instead of resisting it, we work with it.
The Siren’s song that Adderall sings is one of those synthesized, over produced pop songs. It’s a fake. It that might sound good initially, but will lure you in and leave you unsatisfied ultimately. That’s the thing with Siren’s songs: they shipwreck you eventually.
Ashley Damaj is a Cornell trained Nutritionist, USC trained masters-level therapist, and post-masters Board Certified Behavior Analyst. An avid athlete, yogi, organic farmer, and chef; Ashley lives with her husband and daughter in Newport Beach, California.
She is the founder of Mothership Wellness, Inc., an integrative private practice. The backbone of her business is working directly with clients on ten pillars of wellness that are assessed and improved through actionable, short term, goal oriented individualized programs.
As a former pack a day smoker, drug/alcohol abuser, and overweight individual, Ashley’s mission is to bring behavior modification science and empirical solutions to individuals and families who want to make the move to a more healthy lifestyle be in alignment with the fullest expression of themselves.
She has worked in both corporate and clinical settings over the course of her career. Ashley has held Director level positions at a Fortune 5 companies, to clinical positions in a variety of therapeutic settings
(juvenile hall, domestic violence centers, in-home therapy, facility settings, etc.). Ashley has with diverse clientele of all ages using CBT, ACT and Behavior Analytic modalities for over a decade.
