Integrity has more than one meaning and there is more than one way to maintain it. For some, it’s about doing the right thing, even when no one is watching. For our kids, they generally start out with us definitely watching–and it helps them.
When we instill a sense of integrity in a child, we teach them to make ethical decisions, and to do the right thing. But we are also teaching them to act in a way that is consistent with their values. Now their values start out as ours, generally, but as they grow and become more independent, they may have their own set of values. And that’s ok. It’s good in many ways.
Having their own values means they know themselves, and that is a huge plus. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that way, like when your kid disagrees with you, but really we want our kids to stick to their guns and not do things that make them feel uncomfortable. Sometimes that may mean they don’t like riding bikes, but another time it may mean they don’t enjoy drinking and don’t let others press them into it.
Integrity is also important for building trust. Someone who has values and sticks to them is seen as reliable and trustworthy. This matters if they are 10, 25, or 50. It’s important in friendships, academics, work, and partnerships. It also helps them develop that strong sense of self and the confidence that comes with knowing they are living up to their standards. That confidence is critical to personal fulfillment as well.
So how do we help our children build integrity? One piece of it is instilling a sense of responsibility for themselves and others and self-advocacy as well. How we do that is partially through modeling–they watch us more than they listen to us sometimes. But let’s talk about a few specific ways that we can help our children build integrity.
1: Avoid asking children to lie for you.
These lies seem innocent enough. You might ask your child to tell the salesperson on the phone that you’re not home. Or to tell their friend that they left the other child’s birthday present at home when you actually forgot to purchase it.
When you ask your child to lie, you’re demonstrating that lying is okay under certain circumstances.
It’s not easy to determine when lying is acceptable and when it is not. It’s easiest to just avoid lying. You’ll also eventually find yourself on the other side of those same lies.
2: Avoid allowing your children to witness you lying.
When your children see you being dishonest, they’ll either conclude that lying is acceptable or that you’re not an honorable person. No one is honest 100% of the time, but that doesn’t mean your children need to see you lie during their childhood. Now, we also need to trust them to understand nuances at times as they grow up so that white lies to make someone feel better may be ok–depending on your values. Full disclosure: my kids have definitely seen me lie on occasion. I know, I know!
3: Drive the speed limit.
This is a tough one for many, but a law is a law. And honestly, when they start driving we really don’t want them speeding. How would we not nag if they were?! That said, we can’t really explain to your child that some laws are acceptable to break while others are not. You might have to leave the house a few minutes earlier, but some things are more important than driving quickly.
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4: Explain the disadvantages of dishonesty.
Lying can seem like an easy way out. So, it’s important to explain why dishonesty can create problems. Again, integrity and trust go hand in hand. We all tell our kids not to lie or steal, right? I remember one time my son stole a piece of candy at a store–he was around 3 or 4 maybe– and we made him go back and return it to the manager. That has stuck with him forever. Full disclosure: I was caught stealing a salt rock from first grade myself and also had to return it.
If you are looking for a place to start with your kids here are a few reasons:
- People will doubt your honesty in the future if you get caught.
- You can hurt the feelings of others.
- Lying to the wrong people can hurt you in school, at work, or with the police.
5: Set a good example.
Your kids might not be hanging on your every word, but they are certainly keeping an eye on you. It is much more monkey see, monkey do than do as I say, not as I do! They notice when you do something that you told them not to do themselves.
The easiest way to teach integrity is to model it. You already know what’s right and wrong. You also know which values are important to you, and that is a personal thing. We don’t all have the same values. But when we can, we should live ours–whether kids are watching or not. Because we too, want to feel confident and have self-respect. Right? All you have to do is live it. Your children will see it and adopt similar behaviors.
Have you noticed how many habits, behaviors, and attitudes you’ve adopted from your own parents? You might not be happy about it, but you can expect the same thing to happen with your own children. Raising kids means we get to choose which values we want to keep and those we may not from when we were taught.
6: Develop a sense of responsibility in your child.
Every child over the age of three can have a couple of simple chores and put their dirty clothes in the hamper. Let them know they are part of a family and that means participating in it and helping where they can. It also means watching out for each other and their siblings and friends too. Make them responsible for their chores, their word, and their actions.
And lastly, remember that to build trust, they need to know they can trust you too. So we can’t be unpredictable. We can’t say we want them to be honest but when they are we lose it. While of course, that happens, as a rule, we want them to know what behavior to expect from us. We don’t want them to walk on eggshells or feel worried about what they willl come home to. This is super important as they get older as well, when dating or drinking or weed may be something they are exposed to or try even.
Teaching your child integrity is an important parental responsibility. It’s for sure not a short-term activity. It’s something that you do each day through your words and actions. Setting a good example for your children and being open about it all is half the battle. And don’t forget the love–it’s all about that, mama.
DANA BAKER-WILLIAMS
If you’re going to thrive in today’s crazy world, I believe you need to bring your whole self to the table: your personality, your sense of humor, and most importantly, your heart. All of these elements brought me to start Parenting In Real Life, my parent and teen coaching.
I’m a mom of two amazing kids, one of whom has struggled with ADHD, anxiety and depression. Watching this as a parent can be heartbreaking and feels singular. I had nowhere to turn and i was totally overwhelmed. When we finally put the pieces together and got our daughter some help, everything changed for her. But I still didn’t have someone who could teach me how to parent more effectively. It was trial and error on the emotional dysregulation, the panic attacks, and the lack of executive functioning. There was no handbook.
I vowed then that other parents should NOT have to be that scared, overwhelmed, and alone. And kids and teens shouldn’t feel alone, stupid, disconnected or “less than”. Now I am in the position to help parents and teens alike. I help other 2e families find calm in the chaos, connect with their kids, and bring peace and joy back into the family dynamic. I give parents the tools and support they need to communicate and parent more effectively. Simple shifts and techniques will allow you to parent with confidence and handle the challenges with grace and set your kids up for success with life skills, resilience, and self-advocacy.
Bring the joy back in your family, book a call now. https://www.parentinginreallife.org/bookings-checkout/book-a-free-consult/book
