Something that’s really striking my consciousness lately is the question of how to sort the good from the bad. This has been presented to me in several different ways lately. As a stress-management coach people come to me for advice on these things, so of course it’s sort of natural that these types of questions would cross my path.
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But what has really been striking me lately is the number of different ways this same theme has come up. Here are some examples:
~ “What do I do about this friend who is always negative? I really like her, but I just don’t want to spend much time with her.”
~ The holidays are so stressful, I just can’t seem to find the joy in them anymore. I used to like to decorate and shop. Now it’s all a hassle and there’s never enough time to get it all done. How do I learn to enjoy the holidays again?”
~ There is so much horrible stuff going on in the news. I want to stay aware of current events, but I just don’t feel like I can pay attention to the news anymore. How do I remain informed without getting depressed?”
While these questions are all different in that they are talking about very differing phenomena, they are all very similar in their overall context: separating the good from the bad.
This really is an age-old question. I’ve heard it brought up in religious and spiritual contexts. I heard it brought up in my graduate political science seminars. I’ve heard it brought up in conversations with friends. And truthfully, in my opinion, there is no one “best practices” answer that can apply to all of the contexts. However, I do believe there are some strategies that can be tried on for size, or experimented with, which can help a person figure out what works best for them.
THOSE TAXING FRIENDS
Most of us have at least one friend who is lovely in many ways, but who is also a Debbie or Douglas Downer. This is the person who always seems to have a proverbial fly in her chardonnay. He sees the glass as half-empty instead of half-full. Of course, this friend is not “all negative” or we wouldn’t be friends with the person. We just wish they would look on the bright side of things more often. So what do we do? Here are some strategies to try:
~ Lead by example. When things are negative in your own life, set an example by finding the silver lining or breathing through it with inner peace. What you don’t want to do is point out to your friend that you are doing this. Let her just watch you. Don’t give him “helpful” advice about how you are proceeding so well through your difficult time.
~ Set time limits. Let’s just be honest here, no one can be around Negative Ned or Nellie for that long. The problem is that if we set too many time limits the person is going to feel like they are being blown-off. Then you’ll have the problem on your hands that your friend will probably confront you on this. For some, being in a negative space – e.g. negative confrontation – is comfortable, so she will have no problem bringing this up to you. So the time limited friends need to be treated with special consideration. Make sure the time you do spend with them is high-quality time. That way your friend won’t feel slighted about the lack of time because he will feel so good about the time you do spend together.
Conversely, instead of spending focused one-on-one time with this friend, spread the work around. Try only spending time with her in groups. This then lightens the negativity burden on any one person. If you make sure she’s invited to a lot of things, she won’t feel like she hardly ever gets to see you. Unless this is already your pattern though, don’t shirk spending at least some one-on-one time with her. She’ll figure out what’s going on if she’s used to seeing you alone, but then suddenly only sees you in groups. Also, make sure he still feels good about being with you even if you are in a group. Make sure you pay some special attention to him and treat him like he’s important.
~ Have a mindful conversation with your friend. While this might be the most intimidating of the suggestions, it’s also most likely to be the most fruitful. Mindful conversations proceed with empathy and compassion. Try asking your friend if there is an underlying cause for her outward negativity. If there is, maybe you can help. Or, maybe you can support her in finding the help she needs. Make sure he knows that you are asking because you care and you want to be supportive. Remember, mindful conversations do not criticize in words or tone. Try to use “I” statements. The more empathy you can have the more likely you are to have a fruitful conversation.
THAT STRESSFUL LIFE
Life gets so hectic sometimes – especially during the holiday season. The joy in life, whether it be the joy of the holidays or just the joy of everyday life, can be severely dampened by an overwhelming sense of being busy: too many things to get done, too many people making demands, too much traffic on the road, etc. But again, there are some strategies that can help.
Here are a couple to try on for size:
~ Take a moment to step back and look at your to-do list. Decide if the things on the list are things that really need to get done right now or if they even need to be done at all. Some of this will be prioritizing based upon your values.
For example, I have contact with more friends now than ever before – thank you Facebook! But, I get fewer holiday cards than I did in the past. And truthfully, I just don’t send them out either. I stay in touch on more regular basis AND I just don’t have time to get cards out this time of year because there are other things I have to do, like the Winter Spectacular at my kids’ school and two Brownie Christmas parties, etc.
However, it is really important for my friend Leslie to send cards. She’s great at it! She often even hand-makes them and they are beautiful! We both love all of our friends, but she values cards more than I do. In other words, prioritize your to-do list and only actually do those things that you must – go to work, feed the kids… or that have true meaning to you. If you hate to shop, do your shopping online or make charitable donations in your loved-ones names. If you love parties, go to one or two that will be the most fun for you. Everything else, say goodbye to it. You don’t need to do it all ☺
~ Stay in the moment. As Thich Nhat Hanh says, “Happiness can be found in every moment.” With this in mind, if you can stay focused on exactly what you’re doing, when you’re doing it, you find that the stress of “everything else” falls away. So while you’re at the Cub Scout holiday party, be there and enjoy the fun the kids are having. Don’t worry about what you’re going to serve for your big family holiday get-together.
One thing I’ve found that helps me to stay in the moment is to plan ahead. I use a “success schedule” to keep myself aware not only of what I need to do, but also when I need to do it. A weekly plan with blocked periods of time truly helps me make sure that I get where I need to get when I need to get there, that I work on the things I need to work on when it’s time to work on them, that I have time with my family and that I have time for myself. The “success schedule” allows me to savor each moment as I’m in it.
~ Find the blessings in the little things. I was talking to my friend and client Maria the other day about Christmas and how her kids aren’t acting very grateful during this holiday season. But then she told me a story about how one of her sons is required by his school to write in a journal to his parents every week. Last week he wrote to his mom about how he does really understand that the season is not just about getting presents. He talked about how he loves Christmas because he gets to be with family and that he understands the religious parts of the holiday as well. What really touched me was that he wrote this journal entry as a letter to his mom so that she can understand how he is feeling inside. She said that he would never have said those things out loud to her. What a true holiday blessing that journal entry was! Find the little things that make the holidays (& even just life) special. Try to catch people doing the right thing! And, pay special attention to it when they do ☺
OUR CRAZY MIXED-UP WORLD
I’ll be honest with you. This one is tough for me sometimes. One of the things I’m grateful for in respect to having given-up my academic career is that I don’t have to constantly stay aware of everything that’s going on in politics (my former career was as a lecturer in political science and legal sociology). That said, I still think it’s important to be an informed citizen, so I do keep up on most current events.
There are some really good techniques for keeping these things in perspective though. Here are a few to try:
~ Try to follow your viewing, reading, or listening to negative news with some positive news. There are actually lots of really cool things going on in the world today. There are lots of good people doing good things out there! Okay, I admit sometimes I just go to Buzzfeed and look at the funny cat videos :/ But there are some really good “Good News” sites out there!! Just google “good news stories” and you’ll find tons of websites that cover only uplifting and positive news stories. Try to find some that you like. One of my favs is HuffingtonPost.com/good-news.
~ Make sure you don’t go to bed after having just watched negative news. Instead, read a fun book or watch a funny show or have an affirming conversation with your partner before you lay your head down. And if you do lay down and find your mind full of stressful or disturbing images, try to bring in happy and uplifting images instead.
~ Be in a place of gratitude. Sometimes this is easier said than done. But even if you’re feeling really down and overwhelmed, I bet you can find something to be grateful for. Maybe it’s the roof over your head. Maybe it’s the green grass. Maybe it’s a flower growing between the cracks of a sidewalk. Maybe, it’s merely your two feet on the ground. Finding even something small to be grateful for will raise your happy hormones and help you to feel better one little bit at a time.
On that note, I am truly grateful for all those who have loved and supported me in my business and my life over these past few years! And I am grateful for those of you post and respond to my blogs. The blogs truly are meant to be conversation starters AND HOPEFULLY they will help us to create a community dedicated to supporting one-another in health, happiness and peaceful living.
What tips and strategies do you have to share with us for finding the cherries among the pits?
JEN ROBINSON
Jen Robinson is the creative force behind the wellness brand Peaceful Living Wellness which is dedicated to providing a wide-variety of high-quality wellness information. Jen is also the creator of the Peaceful Living Wellness life coaching division, and offers workshops, individual and group coaching as well as retreats where she guides women in using Mindfulness and Mindset to build their inner strength on a foundation of inner peace. Jen also is the co-creator of the business coaching brand CEO Mindset that guides entrepreneurs in building their businesses without burning out.
The latest addition to her repertoire is that she recently signed-on as the Wellness Director for the business development company Wealthy Women Entrepreneurs . She is very excited to be leading this group of dynamic women entrepreneurs into success in their businesses and lives!
The most important part of Jen’s life are her two very active teenagers, AJ & Layna!
Jen’s Mindfulness and Mindset techniques inform her business, her parenting and her life!
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