SPIRIT AND SOUL: Anti-Goal Goals

Not all of us are up for making resolutions this year. After most of 2020 dealing with Covid and lockdown, and 2021 being a variant of the year before, many of us want to stay in our pajamas and stare at Netflix. We just don’t feel like pursuing someone else’s lofty ideals of strength-training, time management, household organization, or any of the other pieces of advice “hustle culture” dishes out to make us “better.” Aren’t we better, yet, anyway? Aren’t we tired of trying so hard?

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Maybe the problem is with the incessant running around many of us do. We do it all year long — to feel worthy, to keep up with our friends, to quiet the voices in our heads telling us we really should be doing more. But the tasks never end and the happiness never comes. The lists become longer and the to-dos become harsher. Life doesn’t settle when we approach it this way. We cannot run fast enough or be perfect enough or work hard enough to a place called peace. It is simply not possible. 

Whether you find yourself approaching this year tired, or tired of trying so hard, let me remind you there is another way to live. There is a path of freedom and joy. There is a path of peace and authenticity. There is a path of life: emotional, physical, spiritual wholeness. This path begins by surrendering all the goals. Then watch what happens.

Try one or two of these anti-goal goals instead:

Start your day with quiet

In the early morning, consciously avoid the news, the email, all social media, and even the family. This might mean you need to wake up a bit earlier than everyone else. Instead of hearing and reading what everyone else wants you to do and be, hear only your own thoughts, your own breath, and your own spirit. Maybe you can do this with a cup of coffee, and watching the sunrise as people did in ancient times, long before cell phones. Maybe you can embrace the quiet in a bath, or while journaling morning pages, or deeply breathing in meditation. The quiet will serve you infinitely more than any social media feed ever will. You will approach the day in a much less reactive stance. You do not exist to take on everyone’s goals for your life. Give yourself the first part of each day in silence to know who and what you are. This is your life. It is sacred. 

Begin the day slowly

Resist the impulse to jump out of bed, ready to run and take on all of your tasks. You are a human being long before you are a human doing. You will have time in the day to take care of everything urgent. But before the urgent, the important yearns to be noticed. This includes you. You are important, not just what you contribute to this world. Dr. Joe Dispenza tells us that what we do in our morning determines our day. He says, “When you sit in morning meditation and your body wants to jump up and get to the tasks, tell your body ‘No, we are going to sit here for a while.’ Like with a dog, you are commanding your body to stay. The more you do this, the easier it becomes to not automatically believe you have to be always moving.” The goals do not need to run the show in your own mind. You can make the time for openness, stillness, serenity, slowness, and peace. You will reap the rewards of a slow life a thousand fold. 

Before you commit yourself to your goals, commit yourself to yourself

Dr. Louise Hay, author and healer, said that whenever she saw someone with an emotional problem, the core of that problem was lack of self-love. She said (and I agree, having seen many as a pastor) that millions of people are walking around not loving themselves, and we can’t easily see that is what is going on. She advised her patients and students to look in the mirror daily and say, “I love you” to themselves. Many couldn’t do this simple exercise, many were ashamed, self-conscious, and embarrassed. Some cried or were angry or frightened when saying “I love you” to themselves. We can say this to others, but we often have a difficult time giving love to our own selves.

This might be because we were taught we were not loveable. We have got to recognize that someone would only say this if they were wounded themselves.  The truth is that every baby, every child, and every adult is loveable. We can commit to believing and claiming this truth. We can learn to be there for ourselves, even if no one else is. We can learn to be truly happy with our own friendship. Other people are wonderful and add so much joy and love to life, but other people cannot make up for lack of self-love. Only we can fill that need. When we can love, accept, forgive, and appreciate our own selves, we will have joy alone or with others. We will feel secure and at ease. We won’t need to prove anything to anyone. We won’t have to become “better” to be acceptable. We already are acceptable as we are. 

Plan the basics, but listen for guidance

Instead of planning the whole year in all its details, keep it simple and flexible. Instead of using complicated planners or bullet journals, use a basic planner or spiral notebook to plan the months, weeks, and days. But keep your options open and listen for guidance. The person who has their New Year’s Resolutions and their monthly, weekly, and daily goals too strong and solid cannot hear the guidance of the spirit. Maybe you will be given new information, maybe the plans will change, maybe you will meet a person or circumstance that will spark in you a new desire. Leave room for the spirit to intuitively know which way to turn. You will be leading with your heart and soul, not just your left-brained, rational mind. You will have access to higher wisdom and deeper truth than what you have alone. 

The Chinese religion Taoism states that the world and everything in it is made up of polarities: yin and yang. Yang is characterized by what is active, strong, hard, bright, warm, and (stereotypically) masculine. Yin is characterized by what is passive, weak, soft, dark, cool, and (stereotypically) feminine. Our true state, according to Taoism, is when yin and yang are in balance, as they are in most aspects of nature, including all animals. The problem of humans is that we regularly think ourselves off center and out of balance. We do this by overvaluing yang. That is why when you read the sentences above, you might have felt that some of the words (e.g. active, strong) were “good”, and other words (e.g. passive, weak) were “bad”. We humans are prejudiced against yin. But the cat rests when it should and doesn’t tell itself it is lazy. The cow only moos and doesn’t try to bark to be “as good as the dog.” The oak tree grows as it should, neither too slowly or too quickly. The river, passive and weak as water is, doesn’t strive when it flows. It simply does what it was designed to do. We can learn a lot from nature. 

So embrace these counter-cultural yin values. They will not feel like goals, but they will give you so much. Be quiet, slow down, love yourself, listen to your spirit. That is the beginning of coming home to an authentic path of peace. You will still accomplish things — not just more goals, tasks, and to-dos, but your life’s very purpose. You will attend to what is most important to you, and you will do so with balance, energy, serenity and joy. This year, ditch those oppressive hustle goals. Come back to quiet, stillness, love, and guidance. Come back to you. May this year be the richest one yet. 

STEPHANIE LAPE

Stephanie Lape is a pastor in the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America (ELCA).
She holds a Master of Arts degree in Transpersonal Psychology (the psychology of religious experience) from the Institute of Transpersonal Psychology, and a Master of Divinity degree from Luther Seminary. A long-time professor of comparative religions and former campus minister, she now serves as pastor at Eden Lutheran Church in Riverside, California.

Stephanie speaks and teaches on matters of spiritual and psychological development, biblical studies, the enneagram personality tool, and comparative religions. She is an active advocate for interfaith and ecumenical studies. She has taught classes on major religious movements in churches, schools, and city programs, while also leading tours and guest speaking at mosques, synagogues, and temples. Stephanie is honored to be a speaker at the 2021 and 2023 Parliament of the World’s Religions.

She also loves to write. Stephanie is a contributing author for Living Lutheran Magazine and author of Beckoned: Hearing God’s Call to Deeper Faith, which is both a travelogue of her own winding spiritual journey, as well as a guide to help people discover their own path. She lives with her husband and two children in Southern California. 

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