I think most of us understand that the things we say to other people matter. We are trained from a very young age to believe that words hurt, and not to hurt other people’s feelings. Some of us took this too much to heart and became fervid people pleasers from a young age, completely abandoning our own wants and needs. This happened because no one ever taught us that the words we say (and think) to ourselves matter too. If someone had taught us this, we may have seen the importance of finding a balance between fostering relationships with others, and fostering a relationship with ourselves.
Finding that balance now, after years of pleasing others, can be hard, but it starts with how you speak to yourself! The first step to changing this, as with any new mindset, is always awareness and curiosity. So that is why, I want to bring your attention to a few words you probably use everyday, without a second thought (and why you may want to give them a second thought!)
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“Should”
This one is so unbelievably common and as such is very hard to shake. Even writing this blog, I had to swap out a couple of “shoulds” so as you can see, making this change takes time, practice and patience. The reason it’s so important is because “should” almost always breeds shame by implying that whatever you’re currently doing is wrong, or not enough and that you “should” be doing something else. There is nothing wrong with wanting to try to do something differently, but there is also no reason to feel shame for whatever you’re currently doing. So the next time you catch yourself saying you should eat more vegetables, or you should be working out more, I want you to stop and notice. Think about how you could reframe those thoughts to breed peace and motivation instead of shame and anxiety. Not only are you going to be much more likely to actually make the changes you want to make, but you also won’t continue making yourself feel like a complete failure for not being there yet! Maybe instead of “I should be eating more vegetables”, you can reframe it to “I would like to eat more vegetables to honour and nourish my body”. It’s time to stop “shoulding” yourself and start honouring where you’re at now!
“Just”
I hear this one a lot! Most often with women in the business world. This is because we have been taught to be mild and palatable, and never too loud, opinionated or aggressive. We often use “Just” to soften what we are saying, for example “I’m just reaching out to ask..” instead of “I’m reaching out to ask..”. See how one seems a little less confident, and a little more meek. It’s a very subtle shift, but it makes a difference in how you are being perceived. We use “just” this way to be inoffensive, make things sound like no big deal, like it’s going to be quick and not too much of an imposition. I know it feels safer, it feels like you’re apologising in advance to avoid annoying someone. But the truth is, it undermines not only others’ confidence in you, but your confidence in yourself too! You are not a nuisance, or too aggressive for taking up space, and it’s time to let your language reflect that!
“Have To”
Here is a hard truth! You don’t have to do anything. Even the things you feel are non negotiable, like cleaning your house, are still a choice. You choose to clean because you want to take care of your home, and live comfortably. The choice is available to you to not
do it, and to face the consequences that come with that. But, you are actively choosing to avoid that. The reason it’s important to make this distinction is that saying “have to” breeds resentment. It makes doing what you have chosen to do feel like a chore or a nuisance. Try replacing have to with get to, or want to where you can, and see how it feels. For the record, you don’t have to work on saying have to either, but if you choose to, I promise it will make even the most mundane task on your to-do list seem less annoying!
“Sorry”
Look, I’m not saying never say sorry. There are definitely times when an apology is necessary. However, women say sorry way too often for things that they have no reason to be sorry for. We apologise for giving our opinion, speaking up in meetings, taking up space, and asking for what we need. These are not things to apologise for. When we do this, we are buying into the narrative that we are less than others, that we deserve less time, energy and space than others, which is simply not true. Bring awareness to the times you are apologising unnecessarily and think of some things you can say instead next time this situation comes up. If someone hurts your feelings and you say “Sorry, but can you please not say things like that?” then maybe next time this comes up you can simply say “Can you please not say things like that?”. It sounds simple, and technically it is simple, but I know it doesn’t feel simple when applying it to your own life, and that’s okay! The more awareness you bring to it, and the more you practice implementing it, the simpler it will feel with time. I hope from now on you are done with apologising for owning who you are and taking up the space that’s rightfully yours!
I hope this has helped you see that your words matter, even the words you say only to yourself. If you want to feel more confident, and start being unapologetically yourself, then these simple shifts in how you speak will help! If you feel you need additional support to work through this (or anything else related to confidence and self love). Check me out at normalnotwrong on Facebook and Instagram. Or, head on over to my Website to snag your FREE 30 minute call with me. We will talk about what you’re struggling with, how it is impacting your relationship with yourself, and how you can get you where you want to be with my help!
JENELLE CARTO
Hi, I’m Jenelle! I am from beautiful Calgary, Alberta! That’s in Western Canada, for those of you who just said “where?!” I live with my spouse, who is an airline pilot, and our dog, an adorable Yorkie/Jack Russell mix named Abbie. I work by day as an insurance broker, and I also have a lifestyle blog that focuses mostly on body image, self-love, and breaking down stigmas and societal expectations.
My idea and passion for my business came from my personal experiences and self-love journey. Starting when I was about 10 years old, I grew up with little confidence and body image issues, after childhood trauma triggered an eating disorder. It progressed even further as I became a teenager and started struggling with societal expectations, chronic anxiety, and migraines. This was followed by periods of depression and panic attacks in my early 20s, leading to an all-time low when I finally started dedicating my time to improving my mental health and self-image. I’m sure a lot of you can relate to these struggles and understand just how horrible it can feel living in a world that profits off of convincing us we’re never good enough.
Over the last 5 years, I have learned so much, and have come to a place where my mental health is stable. I have learned to love myself and feel confident and sexy regardless of what the number on the scale says, and I am finally done with the endless cycle of thinking about food, my next diet, and how much I hate myself and my body!
My goal is to share how I did that with as many people as I can, and to make my business as inclusive and welcoming as possible to all those still marginalized by our society. I see you and am trying my best to make everything I offer in my business with you in mind.
If you’re interested in following my journey and getting updates on my budding business as I grow, follow me on Facebook or Instagram at the links below.
