When I was in college, one of my best friend’s boyfriends used to tease us girls about what he considered our inability to know the difference between needs and wants. With a chuckle and a raised brow he would say:
“Do you really need a new lipstick? Or, do you want a new lipstick?”
Fair enough. In his practical assessment he did not understand why any of us would “need” a new lipstick when we already possess 12 other lipsticks.
I love this real life example of how one person’s definition of need can significantly differ from another’s. In this blog I talk about needs versus wants, and the important situations in which some needs and wants become one and the same thing. My hope is that I will provide inspiration for you to know that you deserve to have both your needs and your wants fulfilled.
SURVIVAL NEEDS
In her book Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes From, How It Sabotages Our Lives Pia Mellody argues that there are certain things humans need to survive: Food, shelter, clothing, medical/dental attention, physical nurturing, emotional nurturing (time, attention and direction from others), education, spirituality, sex and financial resources (earning, saving, spending, budgeting and investing money).
Notice that a new lipstick is not on that list – I’ll get to that in a minute though…
She further divides these needs into those that are interdependent and those that can be met individually. For the purposes of this blog I’m not going to go into that distinction, but rather I would like to focus on how as individuals we can meet all of those needs for ourselves. And, more importantly, how we may even meet some of them by giving ourselves something we want.
In particular I am going to focus on emotional nurturing and how sometimes giving ourselves something we want can fulfill our emotional needs. This is something incredibly important for people to do. If we can learn to fulfill our own emotional needs, ALONG WITH ALLOWING OTHERS TO NURTURE US EMOTIONALLY, we can live very fulfilled lives!
But first, let’s discuss “wants” in more depth…
BIG WANTS AND LITTLE WANTS
Pia Mellody divides wants into two categories: Big Wants and Little Wants. She describes “little wants” as, “things we don’t have to have, but they bring us great joy.” The above lipstick example fits into this category. Gifting ourselves a beautiful new shade of lipstick that will go perfectly with a new dress may very well bring you not only instant joy, but lasting joy every time you wear that lipstick!
I love wearing red lipstick. It looks great with my olive complexion and dark brunette hair. When I buy a new red lipstick I not only feel joy at the time of purchase, but I feel joy every time I wear it.
Fulfillment is the defining factor for things that go into the “big wants” category. Within this category she includes big life goals, such as “I want to be a doctor,” “I want to develop a corporation,” or “I want to have a child.” These are very different than, “I want to buy a new lipstick.” And yet again, they can bring joy to one’s life. Additionally, they can also bring meaning and purpose. And thus, fulfill even deeper emotional nurturing survival needs.
TEMPORARY “FIXES”
Where we want to proceed with caution in our needs versus wants assessment is in the area of temporary fixes. I’m using the word “fixes” with the deliberate intention of highlighting the double-entendre. In one sense, we want to be careful not to temporarily fix a need we feel is not being met in our life. Likewise, we want to be careful not to supplant truly meeting a survival need with something that gives us a “fix,” as in a temporary high.
Let’s take for example a one-night-stand. If you are in need of physical nurturing it may be tempting to grab it where you can. Thus, meeting someone in a bar or online and hooking-up for a night may seem like it will fix your problem of your need for physical nurturing. It will also give you a “fix” or a high for that evening. What it will not do is provide you with the ongoing human need for physical nurturing. (Stay tuned for an upcoming blog from our Sexuality contributor, Marie-Claire Thauvette on that topic!)
I’m not saying that getting a “fix” from a one-night-stand is something that should be avoided at all costs. I’m just saying that if you are choosing that route be aware that your fulfillment from it will be temporary. If you are okay with that, then okay. However, if you have ongoing physical or emotional nurturing needs that are not being met, a one-night-stand may do more harm to you than good.
LASTING EFFECTS
There are times when fulfilling our “big wants” can also fulfill our survival needs AND have lasting effects.
This is similar to the new lipstick example and the lasting effects of filling that “little want.” Yet, because it’s a “big want” the effects are deeper and more meaningful in our lives.
I am currently doing something along these lines. For decades I have wanted to start riding horses again. But, because this has seemed very impractical due to the time and monetary costs I have not granted myself this want. On the surface this seems like a “little want.” However, it has recently moved into the “big want” category. By granting my want to ride again I am fulfilling a very deep and important emotional need within myself.
The important emotional need I am speaking of is self-confidence. For the past few months I have been having what I call a crisis of self-confidence. But, I don’t know where it is coming from – it’s just there, in my brain, in my body and in my emotions.
This is where the horses come in. You see, being in-relationship with horses was my go-to confidence builder when I was growing-up. While my home life and school life were fraught with abuse I was lucky enough to have horses in my life who helped me build my self-confidence.
I use the term “in-relationship” because my confidence was not just built through riding the horses. My confidence was built through learning trust in-relationship with the horses. I learned to trust these large and potentially frightening animals. More importantly, they learned to trust me. They learned that I would care for them and not hurt them. Likewise, I learned that if I treated them with respect, they would in turn care for me and not harm me. The reciprocal trust I built in-relationship with the horses built my self-confidence!
Thus, by building my self-confidence through being in-relationship with horses now as an adult I am not only nurturing my adult self, but I’m reconnecting with and nurturing my inner child as well. This means it doesn’t matter where my current crisis of self-confidence is coming from, building it up again with the horses is exactly what I need.
Notice that by fulfilling something that on the surface may seem like a “little want” I am actually fulfilling something that is a survival need – emotional nurturing through building self-confidence. It may seem impractical to invest time and money in riding lessons, but when I look at it from the standpoint of fulfilling a survival need it appears far more practical.
EMOTIONAL NURTURING THROUGH FINDING MEANING, PURPOSE AND JOY
The heart of my Peaceful Living Coaching program is focused on the importance of bringing more meaning, purpose and joy into your life.
Finding and embracing things that bring us meaning, purpose and joy is the definition of emotional nurturing. And sometimes the “need” of emotional nurturing is fulfilled through something that we “want.”
Are you denying yourself anything that could fulfill a survival need because you think it’s merely a “little want?”
OPTIONAL EXERCISE:
- Make a list of things you really want, but are denying yourself because you think they are “little wants” and thus, are not practical to fulfill.*
- Assess each of these “wants” to see if they might, in fact, fulfill an important need.
- If the answer is, “yes,” decide if fulfilling the want will give you long-lasting meaning, purpose or joy (emotional nurturing).
- If the answer is, “yes,” gift yourself that want because you are actually fulfilling a need.
- If the answer is, “no, but it will give me temporary fulfillment and I’m aware of and accepting of that,” then gift yourself that want as long as it won’t cause you, or anyone else, emotional harm.
*Sometimes when we have been living in service of others we lose track of our wants. If this is your situation I urge you to go back to the things that you wanted as a child, adolescent or young adult. See if anything comes up as something you may still want.
To Your Peace & Health,
Jen
JEN ROBINSON
Jen Robinson is the creative force behind the wellness brand Peaceful Living Wellness which is dedicated to providing a wide-variety of high-quality wellness information. Jen is also the creator of the Peaceful Living Wellness life coaching division, and offers workshops, individual and group coaching as well as retreats where she guides women in using Mindfulness and Mindset to build their inner strength on a foundation of inner peace. Jen also is the co-creator of the business coaching brand CEO Mindset that guides entrepreneurs in building their businesses without burning out.
The latest addition to her repertoire is that she recently signed-on as the Wellness Director for the business development company Wealthy Women Entrepreneurs . She is very excited to be leading this group of dynamic women entrepreneurs into success in their businesses and lives!
The most important part of Jen’s life are her two very active teenagers, AJ & Layna!
Jen’s Mindfulness and Mindset techniques inform her business, her parenting and her life!
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